Chapter 1 - By: Holden Kodish

If you’ve never opened the door in your underwear to a dead magician at your doorstep, it’s a hard feeling to describe. It’s like seeing a broken vase on the floor, and knowing you’re going to be blamed for it, while at the same time having your man boobs out. And, instead of having to work a few extra hours to pay for a new vase (one that really doesn’t work with the fang shui of the room), you spend 25 to life in prison, where the fang shui is much, MUCH, worse.

So, I did the only reasonable action. I dragged the street magician’s lifeless body into my front room.

“For such a lanky bastard.” I said as I heaved his body “He sure is heavy. Do people get heavier when they die? I think I heard that somewhere.” I paused, wondering who I was talking to, and then finished dragging him through my doorway. It was only after I dragged the body in that I realized that covering a dead body last seen on your front porch with your fingerprints is NOT a good idea. Then, I remembered that episode of Breaking Bad. You know, like the second or third episode, when they have to get rid of that body? They cut the guy into little pieces and put those in barrels of hydrochloric acid or something. To be honest, I never watched Breaking Bad. I just read the Wikipedia page.

It was only when I returned from the tool shed that I realized that hydrochloric acid is not a common household material. Nor are steel drums. So right now, I have a dead corpse in my front room, covered in my fingerprints, as I stand over him carrying my saw. “Yeah, I’m screwed,” I thought. As I wondered how much a good lawyer would cost in Topeka, I noticed something. The magician was wearing a top hat. 

It was black, yet stainless as if it was fresh out of the box. A golden rim went around the hat, with ridges and divides like a vinyl record. And in the corner of the hat (do hats have corners?) was a little pink and yellow flower. 

Seeing that hat awakened something in me. Like most boys, I had a phase where I wanted to be a street magician. I had the little magic wand, and the ruffled shirt. Hell, I even had a signature trick. I called it “The Reverse Digestive System”. I’d stick the wand in one hole, and it’d come out the other. I learned a very important lesson from that. Girls don’t like guys who shove sticks up their asses. So I gave it up. Became you’re average white guy. Went into accounting. Lost some weight. Grew a goatee. But deep in my core, I still dreamed about becoming a magician. So, as a joke, I put on the hat. That’s when my head began to hurt. It felt like someone was doing acupuncture on my brain, thousands of needles poking in. And just as quickly as it started, it stopped.

“Weird,” I thought to myself

“Cutie, if you think that’s weird, well… it’s about to get real fucking bizarre.” Myself responded.

“TOP TEN FELONIES COMMITTED BY PRESIDENTS” written by: Holden Kodish

Donald Trump has recently been found
guilty of 34 counts of falsifying business records.

However, as Rep. Andy Biggs recently stated: “The average American commits three felonies a

day”. And nowhere is this more true than with our presidents. Here’s a list of the Top 10

Felonies committed by Presidents.

10. George Washington: Arborcide

Apparently, after the cutting of his father's cherry tree, he turned to a nearby sapling and said “If

you tell anyone what you saw here today, you’ll be next” and did the finger-to-the-throat move.

9. Abraham Lincoln: Hate Crimes

While he is well-known for his work in emancipating the slaves, there was one minority that

Abraham Lincoln hated above all others: vampires. He’s on record as saying “If I see another of

those fucking batwing ass freaks flying around the capital, I will go to Transylvania and kick

Dracula’s ass myself”

8. John Berrington: Election Fraud

No way in hell that John won that election fair and square. You can’t promise students “no

homework”. We don’t control that. The government does, stupid. And yet, he gets to be class

president. Definitely rigged.

7. Rutherford B Hayes: Drug Smuggling

Before becoming the 19th president, Mr. Hayes used to run guns to El Salvador under the name

“El Negro Toro”. To this day, it’s rumored that he is actually the true leader of the Mexican

Cartel.

6. Richard Nixon: Watergate

This one’s not even funny. Like, he actually did do Watergate. Like, the whole robbery? He did it

himself. He was a hands-on boss.

5. The President from Monsters Vs Aliens: War Crimes

Looking into those soulless eyes, you can tell that the president committed numerous war

crimes. Many villages in Vietnam still live in fear of “Axel F”

4. John Tyler: Manslaughter

To be honest, I actually know nothing about John Tyler. I just thought this premise would be

funny, “Oh, what about the no-name presidents, what if they committed crimes”. Now, I have

three more presidents to go, and I’ve resorted to meta-commentary for my jokes. A disgrace.

3. Ummmmm... oh, Trump! The 34 counts of fraud

Your quick wit saves you again Holden. But for how long?

2. Obama: Plagiarism

His name actually came from the song Mo Bamba. He had to change it due to a cease and

desist from Sheck Wes.

1. George W. Bush: 9/11

Honestly tell me that you did not expect this to be number one. Try lying to my face.

Eat at Frenchy’s (a very late Loki parody) By: Holden Kodish

“Hey, when did they open a new restaurant?”

I took out my headphones and turned to Michelle. “Sorry, what?”

“I asked when they opened up that new restaurant.” Michelle pointed at a building across the street. What was once a home for junkies and homeless people had, overnight, become an upscale restaurant.

“Frenchy’s” I read the restaurant's name out loud. “You think it’s a French toast place?”

“Either that or snails.” Michelle laughed at her joke. “You want to try it out?”

“Nah, I’m good. Not really hungry.” We continued walking. Michelle was telling me about her latest boy troubles. 

“You’d think it’d be easy to find a man who fits the 6-6-6 rule.” I started to remember why I put the headphones in the first place. But I sighed.

“What’s this 6-6-6 thing?” I asked her

“You know, 6 ft tall, 6 figure salary, and a 6 inch…”

Before she could finish her sentence, a door opened in front of us. Out of it poured a bunch of people. They looked like they were wearing SWAT gear, and held what seemed to be glowing batons. 

“You’re going to have to come with us.” They said as they grabbed the two of us. 

“My uncle’s a lawyer” Michelle lied “I know my rights!”

“Ms. Debois, we know that’s a lie. Your uncle runs a pawn shop in Jersey.”

As they threw us into the door, I squeaked out a question “What did we do wrong.”

The door began to close, as one of the guards implanted his baton into the ground. All he was able to say was “Next time, get something to eat.”

————————————

I shook my head

“Sorry, Michelle, what was that?”

“God, you have the attention span of a dog. I asked if you wanted to try it out.”

“Um, sure.” I shrugged. “I could eat.”

This story has been sponsored by Frenchy’s: Eat like your life depends on it.

Fugakyu Brookline Review

Fugakyu Brookline Review:

If you like to eat out and don't like to cook, but want an intimate experience in a semi-private atmosphere, look no further. My experience: Two times I went in the past two weeks I was able to find parking right in front of it, on the opposite side of the street. Upon entering, you are greeted by a light wood interior, a fish pond full to the brim, and two floors of the greatest sushi experience in Boston. There are normal tables which are nice with a big group that is looking for a more typical restaurant experience and there are also private rooms that have sliding doors. 

I ate:

Crunchy sushi (6.4) warm not my style

California roll - classic, but the best way to judge (pristine and refreshing, ahhhhh)

Spicy Duck - eh - take it or leave it

Miso soup - must-order essentials

White rice - mid

edamame - good as always 

sake flight - one of them looked like lemonade - that one's the best

green tea (hot) - must have, comes extra hot, not for the faint of heart.

overall experience + food = 9.1/10

Every U.S City had a Great Fire?

 Maybe the weirdest coincidence I have ever come across is the Great Fire coincidence of the 1800s. I saw an article saying that every major city in the U.S had a massive fire between 1800 and 1870. I had a hard time believing this, and honestly, how can you blame me with all the far-fetched conspiracies circulating the Internet today? None of those ever turned out to be true right? ;) Upon a quick Google I was stunned, type in the great fire of ______ (insert any major U.S city from 1800) 

• Great Boston Fire of 1872

• Great Chicago Fire 1871

• Great Fire of 1805 Detroit

• Great Fire of New York - 1835 

+Dallas, LA & More

First Ever Keepin.AI Alpha Test Launch

Hello, and thank you for being part of the first alpha testing for Keepin!

Directions: Upload a video of your hand picking up and placing items, either on a flat surface or in a container. Make sure object is visible but you can store things away like you naturally do. If something has a label and you choose to have it face forward, it may read that label and include relevant info. Currently the model is expected to have errors, but should get a good amount correct or close. Feel free to share the video along with your results, and thanks again for being one of the first to try Keepin out!

Alpha Test: Must Sign Up with E-Mail to be notified when active!

https://smartlink.metricool.com/public/smartlink/keepinai

EXAMPLE VIDEOS BELOW:

5-10 items per video are recommended, it’s fine if they’re placed on top of or in front of of each other. Longer videos may take to process and could affect accuracy, but feel free to try and report issues. [No Object] Really means “manual input,” it is detected and will be prioritized in post organizing double check. This will be improved over time.

https://x.com/Keepin_Ai/status/1792540352252985568

 

Why do we read left to right? By: Holden Kodish

 I’ve always wondered why we write our words left to right, and then move down a row. With the advent of new technology, wouldn’t it make more sense to rotate the page over and over like a circle until you reach that nice center point. “But Holden” You say “What about dyslexics?” Well, I’m pretty sure that the way the words are organized would be trouble for some people, and a benefit for another. And plus, I think we’d all agree, this is much, much, much, much, prettier.

The Top 10 Celebrity Cooking Disasters

1. The Burnt Pancake Fiasco: When Gordon Ramsay attempted to flip pancakes for a charity breakfast event, things took a fiery turn. Instead of golden perfection, he ended up with a charred mess that even his signature insults couldn't salvage.

2. The Overcooked Pasta Debacle: Martha Stewart, the queen of homemaking, faced embarrassment when she served overcooked pasta to a group of high-profile guests. It seems even culinary royalty can't always get al dente just right.

3. The Salty Soup Surprise: Bobby Flay, known for his culinary prowess, had a slip-up when he accidentally poured an entire container of salt into a soup he was preparing live on television. The resulting salty soup had viewers cringing and reaching for their water glasses.

4. The Raw Chicken Catastrophe: Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa herself, had a rare misstep when she served up raw chicken at a dinner party. It seems even the most seasoned chefs can have their off days in the kitchen.

5. The Kitchen Fire Fiasco: When Rachael Ray attempted to flambe a dish for her cooking show, things went from sizzle to fizzle in seconds flat. The kitchen fire that ensued had viewers tuning in for the drama, rather than the recipe.

6. The Burnt Thanksgiving Turkey Disaster: When Jamie Oliver attempted to roast a Thanksgiving turkey for his American fans, he forgot one crucial step: setting the oven temperature. The result? A burnt bird that even gravy couldn't mask.

7. The Soufflé Collapse: Nigella Lawson's attempt at a soufflé on her cooking show ended in disaster when the delicate dessert collapsed before the camera. It seems even culinary goddesses have their soufflé slumps.

8. The Unappetizing Smoothie Mishap: When Joe Wicks, the Body Coach, attempted to blend a healthy smoothie for his Instagram followers, he accidentally added a spoonful of salt instead of sugar. The resulting concoction had fans questioning his taste buds.

9. The Spicy Curry Overload: When Ayesha Curry attempted to spice up her curry recipe for her family, she accidentally added an entire bottle of chili powder instead of a teaspoon. The resulting dish had her husband, Steph Curry, reaching for the milk jug.

10. The Cake Collapse Catastrophe: When Buddy Valastro, the Cake Boss himself, attempted to transport a multi-tiered cake for a celebrity wedding, disaster struck. The cake collapsed en route, leaving the bride and groom with a sweet memory they'd rather forget.

Mayans chose not to invent the wheel due to the long term effects they were able to foreshadow.

 After we visited the Mayan pyramids in Tulum Mexico my family member posed a good question: if they were the first civilization to invent the number 0, they had a stone wheel like object as a basketball hoop, were very accurate in their mayan calendar, why didn’t they invent the wheel? They were so close.

Well… my first initial instinct was that a civilization this intelligent willingly chose not to create something due to their visions of the long term outcome. Maybe they thought the wheel would cause a lot of long term suffering. I didn’t know exactly why though.

Then, in the midst of pondering this question, I came across a separate piece of information that connected the dots for me.

Before the wheel, a human being could only carry the weight one human could hold. For farming, construction, and transportation.

After the wheel, those that owned the carts, wheelbarrows, and horse carriages were able to carry the weight that it would take 10 humans could hold. (For example). *I have been informed that horses only came to the Americas with the Europeans, but even just the wheelbarrow gave the ability for a person to carry more weight than they originally could hold, hence giving an advantage to those that owned these wheelbarrows. 

The wheel lead to mass inequalities between those that owned the means of production and those that didn’t.

In the Mayan civilization the kings home was not much bigger than the citizen’s.

Maybe the Mayans saw the inequality this invention would inevitably lead to and the insane competitive advantage it would give to those that had the resources to afford these new inventions.

For the farmer that didn’t have a horse plow or a wheelbarrow, he only had two options:

Either compete on his own and get crushed by farmers who own the machines

Or

Borrow equipment, or work for a farmer that owns these means of production

Top 10 OJ Simpson goof-ups By: Holden Kodish

1. When he took his first steps.

 Baby OJ actually didn’t start by taking steps. Instead, he drove a stroller on a low-speed police chase.

2. The Time OJ Simpson rapped the opening to his TV show.

Yeah, did you know OJ Simpson had a prank show? And it was called Juiced? That just sounds gross.

3. The time he tried to wear fifty gloves on one hand.
The thing is, he sized them out too. Like, his hand was huge by the end of it.

4. The time he murdered his ex-wife.
Nicole Brown Simpson was murdered on June 12th, 1994, in what may have been the worst career choice made by a football player until Brady signed with the Bucks.

5. When he missed Mother's Day.
After his wife died in that “unexpected accident”, he actually missed the first Mother’s Day afterward. He should have gone all Mr. Mom on it. Picture, OJ Simpson, in an apron.

6. When he also murdered his ex-wife's friend.
During the events of 6/12/94, he also murdered Ron Goldman, a waiter who was “Holding Ms. Simpsons glasses” which… has to be a euphemism, right?

7. When he got Norm Macdonald fired from SNL.
Man, learn how to take a joke OJ. Instead, one of the funniest men in the world got kicked off the perfect show for him. You’ll never be forgiven for this one OJ

8. When he literally wrote a book called “If I did it”
I mean, I don’t know what’s funnier. The Goldman family re-naming it to (make the "if" really small) if I did it, or them including a foreward called “Yes, he did it.”

9. When he robbed Bruce Fromong 13 years later
Why would you risk it again? Not even the juice could outrun Nevada state law. Luckily there was no murder (or so he would have you believe)

10. When he joined Twitter
“Hello Twitter World” still cracks me up. And while we may have lost… well, not a hero, but we still have the parody accounts!

Top 10 Excuses to Use When Abandoning Your Family By: Holden Kodish

#10: “I gotta get a pack of milk and a carton of cigarettes” An oldie but a goodie.

#9: “Honey, I love you, but you knew when you chose to marry me that I would
put music over our love.” You and the three guys you met in high school could become the next
Beatles, if only that bitch wife of yours would stop wanting to spend time with you.

#8: “I have amnesia, and don’t remember who you are.” Extra points if your marriage is the only thing you don’t remember.

#7: “My dad abandoned us, and his dad abandoned him. It’s a family tradition.”
They have to respect other people's customs, even if they disagree with them.

#6: “I’ve been abducted by aliens/vampires/the CIA.” Even if you do return, your

life will have been dramatically altered. Will they even recognize the new you when you return?

#5: “I just find your sister hotter.” Sometimes, you back the wrong horse, and the
only thing you can do is admit your mistakes and correct course.

#4: “The mothership is calling me home. My planet needs me.” I mean, you
already gave her a child. What, does she expect you to stay around?

#3: “Damn, our kids are ugly as shit.” Why put all your work into someone who
won’t extend the family bloodline?

#2: “My first family is complaining I don’t spend enough time with them.” They did
come first. It’s only fair that you prioritize them first.

#1:  “It’s just a prank bro.” Damn, she got got. Maybe next time, don’t fall in love,
stupid.

Best Hidden Gem Small Businesses in Newton MA

These are the best hidden gem small businesses according to various people in the area. We will be doing a written and video review for each of these. I went to the Knotty Pine today, Solar Eclipse day but it was closed. It's a diner in West Newton, which I've driven by a million times but never even noticed. Amazing how many recommendations we got and how little of them I knew. Truly a list of HIDDEN gems. 

If you want to contribute to the conversation and cast your submission for a review, comment below. 

These are not in order of best to worst, they are all in different categories of small business.

1. The Paper Mouse in West Newton - Gift Shop
2. Depasquale's Deli on Adams - In Newton *NOT depasquales at nightcap's corner
3. Markettiamo for Italian imported goods and sandwiches (and salciccia and soppressata)
4. Shogun in West Newton - Has been open for over 40 years and very authentic 
5. Otake Sushi in Newton Highlands
6. Echo Bridge Restaurant '
7. Little L Bakery on California
8. D&A's Pizza in Nonantum
9. Knotty Pine Diner in Auburndale - Cash only, but they have an ATM
10. Grandma's Kitchen. Really good Taiwanese food 
11. Moldova
12. Flourhouse Bakery in Nonantum
13. Chung-Shin Yuan on California St
14. Indulge Candy Store in Newton Highlands
    

Cryplandia Short Story #1 - @pilgrimapes

Michael felt dizzy. You’d think being on a boat so long, he’d get used to it. But he always woke up with his inner ear swirling like a hurricane. He got up and took stock of his room. “Mom, check! Michelle, check! Dad…” He saw the monkey lying on the bed next to his mother. Despite the time they spent together, Michael sometimes couldn’t seperate his dad from the other monkeys. Everyone just looked so similar. He spotted a red pair of sunglasses over the monkey’s mouth. He moved them over his father’s eyes. That was him alright. “Dad, check!” Everyone was here. Mom, Dad, Son, Sister. Michael grabbed a cigarette and headed towards the Casino.

This was Michaels's usual routine. Wake up, count his family, go to the casino, stumble home drunk. There wasn’t really a whole lot to do besides that, come to think of it. Sometimes his mom and Michelle would go to the spa, or he’d join his dad in the business center. But after years of travel, even the most interesting parts of a place become mundane and boring. Michael expected another session of blowing his daily chips, and hitting on some (not interested) waitresses. But when he got out of his room, something was different. All of the other monkeys were gathered around the gangway opening. Michael woke up his parents. “Mike, I swear, if you’re waking us up to ask for more money, I will kick you straight into the water,” His father said. “No, Dad, something happening. Something big.” He hurried his family out of their cabin, as they headed towards the rest of the families.

The noise of the crowd began to outpace his own internal monologue. Suddenly, A big orangutan wearing a captain’s hat walked in front of everyone. Captain Orangebeard. “Muddahs, Faddahs, Sons, and Sistahs!” He shouted. The troop went quite. “The time has comed. Our years long voy-ige has reached it’s destinationion.” Orangebeards weird speech choices aside, all of the monkeys knew what he meant. “Welcomes, to Cryptlandia. Junglies, Deserts, Forests, Volcanies, all and more can be found here. But that’s not what brought youse here.” Orangebeard held up a little coin. “These are CryptCoins. There are four of them on the island. If you can get all four, and return to the boat, you will recieve your hearts desire, whatever it may be.” 

Michael perked up. “Did he just say free Liquor?” He asked his sister “He said Hearts Desire, Michael.” Michael paused “Is there a difference?” She rolled her eyes.

“Now, youse can do whatever youses need to do to get the coins, excepted for one thing.” Orangebeards face turned somber. “No Killing. None.” And just as fast as it had left, Orangebeards goofy expression returned. “Are youses readied?” The monkeys nodded. “Are youses settied?” Once again, they nodded. “Then goeses!” And in a flash, the monkey’s scattered.

Why most video game adaptations don’t work (And why some do) By: Holden Kodish (BIG H)

Hey y’all. Bit more casual Holden, coming at you with my opinions. But, as we all know, opinions are like assholes, we all have one, and most of them stink. So if you disagree with mine, comment, and tell me why!

Anyway, preamble aside, I want to talk about video games. More specifically, video game adaptions. In the next few months, two of my favorite game series are getting adaptions, those being Borderlands, and Fallout. Now, I haven’t seen these yet, just the trailers, but they’ve given me something to think about. Why did I get excited about the Fallout show, but am still nervous about Borderlands? I think it’s do to one thing, reliance on source material.

Now, Borderlands has always been one of my favorite series. As soon as I could play rated M games (at 18, thanks Dad) it was the first one I checked out. Well, Borderlands 2 was the first one, but you get what I mean. And I recently replayed it and still had just as much fun the 10th time as I did the first time. Whether that’s due to the writing, the gameplay, or the ability to shoot a bunch of mentally ill people, I’m not sure, but it all just works. Meanwhile, I’ve been playing Fallout since 4 was released. I remember trying to figure out with a friend where our school would be on the map. Turns out, it was over a vault. One where the vault dwellers were incredibly overworked (a bit of irony? Nah, probably just coincidence). But both franchises have a deep place in my heart.

Alright, enough of me talking about how I’ve wasted my life, and instead, let me talk about how I plan to waste my money! So, the Borderlands movie. Oh, the Borderlands movie. The movie appears to be doing some weird adaptation of both the first and second games (mostly the first, but we’ll touch on that later). Meanwhile, Fallout is being set in Hollywood, apparently making a new story set in the Fallout universe (They even referred to it as a non-playable Fallout 5). Now, these haven’t come out yet, but I feel confident in saying that of the two, Fallout will be the better one. In fact, I have heavy doubts about the quality of Borderlands.

Now, why do I not think Borderlands will be good? Thanks for asking! Well, as I mentioned before, they’re using a lot of the first game to write the plot. If you’ve played Borderlands 1, you know that, of all the games, it has the weakest plot. It’s not bad, just a bit boring. And they’ve decided to throw two characters from the second game, Tiny Tina and Krieg the Psycho, into this movie as characters. In return, we lose out on the Bird-Man Mordecai, and the third-best Character in the franchise (1 is Zane, 2 is Mr. Torgue, fight me nerds) Brick. Now already, I’m a bit hurt. You got rid of my boy for Krieg. I say that, and then remember I like Krieg. But, here’s the thing. I don’t think anyone is cast right. As in, they are all way older than I picture they should be in their first movie. These are vault hunters, people going up against dangerous outlaws, wildlife, and the occasional interdimensional monster (as one does). They should be young, both explaining their athletic prowess and giving you more room to grow this as a franchise. But I don’t think any of that will be an issue for fans. No, I think the problem will be that it sticks too close to the original story. Video games are, primarily, a user-driven experience. It allows us to play our own way, and make decisions however we want. Imagine if someone took that game you were playing, and said “Nope, you have to play it this way, and this way only”. That’s what a bad adaptation looks like.

Now, on the other side, you don’t want it to be completely baseless in its story. The Super Mario Movie (The one from the 80s) has a lot of faults, but one of them was that the writers and directors had never actually played Mario, and just did what they thought was cool. These franchises are important to people and clearly are liked for certain reasons.

This brings me to Fallout. Fallout is exactly what I hoped for when I saw the trailer. 50’s Americana mixed with post-apocalypse. But, they didn’t say “Hey remember Fallout 4, what if it was a movie?” No, instead, it seems that they’re creating their own little story in the Fallout universe, something that fleshes out and expands the concepts of said world. This means that we, as an audience, have no expectations of events, but we do have expectations of tone. The writers can make whatever they want to happen (Within Reason! No magic please. Save that for Elder Scrolls: The TikTok show) and as long as it fits that vibe, most fans will think it’s fine. Want proof? Look at Sonic 2. Both Tails and Knuckles were introduced, but neither required you to be a fan of the Sonic games to get. And, they took the speed and charm of Sonic and worked it into a movie that’s a unique story, while fitting the tone of the games.

While it’s easy to adapt a game beat for beat, it’s not what fans want. We want to see this world through a new lens, one we couldn’t get from the game while feeling like a game. Hopefully, I’m wrong about Borderlands, and it turns out to be great. I’m even more hopeful that Fallout is great too. But, what’s really important, what this whole thing has been building to is this: If they don’t shoot that 8-year-old girl in Sonic 3, I will be asking for a refund. Maria better gets executed. Shoot that bitch

So what do you think? Does my opinion stink? Will Borderlands and Fallout be good? Will they smoke that Maria pack? Leave your thoughts in the comments below. And until next time, “I don’t have a catchphrase yet”!

Top 10 fictional characters I think DON’T take drugs, and why - By Holden Kodish

1. Mr. Krabs, from Spongebob: He’s too focused on making money to ever want to spend it on an 8-ball
2. Professor Utonium from the Powerpuff girls: Chemical X was secretly an enhanced form of crack, and having three crack babies and no baby momma means he probably doesn’t want to try it
3. Arthur, from Arthur: He’s like 8 years old. Who’s giving a 8-year-old Lean?
4. Arthur, from Arthur Christmas: He lives in the North Pole. You can’t grow weed up there
5. Bandit, from Bluey: He probably used to smoke weed, but once the girls were born, he knew it was time to grow up.
6. Magikarp, from Pokemon. He’s a fish. Fish can’t do drugs, stupid.
7. Urkel, from Family Matters: He doesn’t because everyone thinks he’s an undercover fed. Stefan Urqulle definitely gets schwasty on the weekends though.
8. Those little football things from NFL Rush Zone: What were those things? Were they mascots? Living beings? Homunculi? Either way, PED’s are banned by the NFL, so no drugs for them.
9. C3PO. Dude’s a bitch, for real. R2 and BB-8 definitely get high off electricity, but C3PO is like “No, good sir. Wouldn’t want to disappoint the maker.” What a loser
10. And finally, number 10… Bill Clinton. He may have smoked weed, but he did not inhale.

“Mr. Unlucky” A short story by Holden Kodish

I’ve seen him three times I’ve only seen him three times in my life. The first was the fire of 77. I was 7, maybe 8, and my dad had brought me to his work at the Supper Club. Now, the Supper Club isn’t the type of place you should usually take a child, but my mom was on a business trip, and we couldn’t afford a babysitter. I was sitting at the bar, seeing how many spins I could do before getting sick (my record was 17). That’s when I saw him. He was taller than any adult I knew, and bony, as if he had never heard of food before. He nodded at me, as if I was the only one in the room. That soon would be the case. 

The Beverly Hills Supper Club fire killed 165 people. Including my father. I tried to explain to the police what had happened. About the man who had come into the club. But they didn’t believe me. Said I was in shock, and gave my mother the name of a grief counselor. She helped me work through what happened. Told me it wasn’t my fault. And for a while, I believed her. That was until 3 years later. Mom and I were sitting on the couch, watching a repeat showing of… something. Alice in Wonderland I think. I went up to go get myself a glass of milk. And I saw him at the window. It was this time when I noticed his eyes. Or should I say, the lack of them. Vacant. Empty. And his head. He was carrying it next to him, like a wicker easter basket. He took one big step, and the house shook. The whole neighborhood shook. I ran out of the house. My mom didn’t make it in time. 

I was put in the foster care system for a few years. No one could replace my parents, but I had nothing but respect for the ones who tried. Eventually, I graduated, and met a wonderful woman, Michelle. Michelle was fun. She always pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I had become a loner after my parents, and Michelle helped me make friends again. And when I would wake up in the middle of the night, Michelle would calm me back down to sleep. One night, after a visit to her parents (They lived in Lexington, so it was a bit of a drive back home to Paducah) we were driving home. We had stayed later than we were planning, so we were both a bit tired. That’s when we spotted him. “Jeremy. That guy. In that car. Is he a skele-“ That was her last words before the maniac ran us off the road. And her last words forever. 

They’d been able to pull me out of the wreckage just in time, but Michelle had gotten a major head injury. She was dead hours before I received help. Later, the coroner, and her parents, told me that she was pregnant. I gave him a name that day. The man who’s been haunting my life. “Mister Unlucky”. I haven’t seen him since then. I haven’t really left my house though either. So, when you called me up, asking to spend Christmas together, I was a little hesitant. But, I’m starting to feel happy. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way. Hold on a second. Do you hear… jingle bells, and… screaming? And is that dog flying?

Hungry Americans Should Eat Cereal for Dinner - CEO of Kellogg

The CEO of Kellogg's recently triggered a wave of controversy by suggesting that hungry Americans can opt for cereal as a suitable dinner option. This statement has drawn widespread criticism, with many arguing that it trivializes the struggles faced by food-insecure individuals and overlooks the nutritional needs of those experiencing hunger. While cereal can indeed be a convenient and affordable meal choice for some, such remarks fail to acknowledge the systemic issues underlying food insecurity and the need for comprehensive solutions to address this pressing issue. Advocates emphasize the importance of addressing the root causes of hunger and ensuring access to nutritious and culturally appropriate food options for all individuals, rather than promoting simplistic solutions that may not adequately address the complexities of the problem.

This is quite honestly the most insane and enraging thing I've seen in a while. In a time where people are struggling to make it out of the grocery store with their bills paid, this smug CEO dares to suggest Americans should eat his brand's cereal for dinner as if that's a good option. Shame on Kellogg's, and I will not be enjoying their delicious cereal any longer. 

America's Favorite Killer

Fictional scenario: You are a young kid growing up with social media and the technology we have today. How independent would your upbringing be if every opinion you saw, had a like counter behind it. How would you feel if certain behaviors resulted in more likes? and some resulted in less. Would you do the things that get likes? or would you do what you truly want?

Since the year 2000, social media usage has risen drastically. So have other statistics, some of which are very unsettling. School shootings have occurred exponentially more often. Depression has gone up simultaneously and at almost the exact same time, anxiety for adolescents went up too. 

We are familiar with the fact that about 80% of medical issues come from stress. How much more stress does seeing everyone else's accomplishments add to one's life?

"The Centre for Disease Control and Prevention of the United States estimates that stress accounts about 75% of all doctor visit "

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3341916/

All of these issues have occurred since the same time that social media began to be used consistently. If we don't see the patterns on the youth now, will we before it is too late?

The internet is full of amazing information, but the question I want to pose about social media specifically is this: 

Is it a problem that on social media you can scroll forever? 

 

Stone Island Hoodies: Are they worth it?

Stone Island hoodies are sweaters with a target patch on the side. They have been worn by many celebrities before including Drake. They were designed by Massimo Osti, but the company was then fully purchased by one of his friends Carlo Rivetti, who recently sold it to a major fashion brand, Moncler. 

The design was inspired by military and work wear and includes a unique stone-washing method that gives these hoodies a color palette akin to them only. 

After having a few for more than 2 years and putting them to the test, I can safely say, they are pretty tough. The proactive design ingenuity of Massimo Osti planned ahead for people's mistreatment of his clothing. Hence the pieces are made to look more like they should as time goes on, the stone-washed look only grows into itself more and more. 

This quality does come with a heavy price tag of around $400 a piece, making them a common target of criticism online. Even if you take the removable patch off, to shut down the skeptics that claim people get these for the logo alone, the hoodies are still worth wearing. I've worn them many times without the iconic patch and felt just as satisfied with my purchase. 

In conclusion, they are worth it.