Meth-Level Marketing By: Holden Kodish

"Meth-Level Marketing" By: Holden Kodish

Hello. My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane. And today, I come to you with a simple question: How would you like to be your own boss? Getting rich can be just as easy as ringing a bell, thanks to my company, Heisenberg Meth! After years of working as a Public School Teacher, I decided to switch to a career with less threat of gun violence: Making Meth! And, thanks to our focus on quality, this meth is more delicious then a Pizza thrown on the roof. But I know what your saying: “Yo, Mr. White, how can I get involved?” All you have to do is buy one of my Heisenberg Meth starter kits, complete with meth, underwear, fedora, and sunglasses. Then, all you have to do is give someone a free sample, and BOOM! Instant lifelong customer. Afterwards, convince them to sell to their friends, and next thing you know, you’ll be the biggest drug dealer this side of Albuquerque! “But, Walt, isn’t this technically illegal?” What are you, a DEA Agent? Just kidding! According to my lawyer, this is at least 25% legal. Just make sure to have a fall guy. Join today, and get 50% off your court fees. Heisenberg Meth: Now you’re the one who knocks!

Where all of my money goes to By: Holden Kodish

Where all of my money goes to

60% Rent:

A two-bed one-bath cardboard box under the local bridge doesn’t come cheap, ya know.

3% Food:

A true man eats what he hunts and hunts what he eats. And it turns out, rats taste delicious.

8% Drugs:

Has Zyrtec gone up in price recently, or is my dealer just ripping me off?

15%: The Organ Grinder Downtown

Guiseppe and his Monkey Manuel put on a hell of a show. Not to be confused with the nearby gay bar.

5% Radioactive Barrels:

A nice spot for my daily bath, with a 35% increase in chances for superpowers (and a 100% chance of obtaining cancer)

9%: Plastic Surgery.

Twice a month, I go in. Twice a month, I come out with thick thighs and wobbly knees.

"Why Doctor Doom Worries Me…" By: Holden Kodish

Why Doctor Doom Worries Me…

I’d like to preface this with me saying that I hope I’m wrong. I hope in 5 years, I get laughed at, and made fun of, and canceled for this article. I really do. But, as more news about Dr. Doom in
the MCU, comics, and just recently, Fortnite comes out, I’m starting to feel scared for the future of this character. You see Dr. Doom is an easy character to write, but a hard character to write
well, and with his rise in popularity due to recent Marvel news, I’d like to discuss some of the reasons for my recent disappointment in Doom’s increasing rise in presence. Let me start off by discussing my problem’s with the MCU announcements. Everyone and their creepy loner friend has an opinion on the casting of Robert Downey Jr. so I won’t discuss it
here. Instead, I’d like to talk about the new information that we’ve received about Doom and Mr. Fantastic’s relationship in the MCU, more specifically, the lack of one. They’ll know vaguely about each other, but won’t have the same archenemy adversarial relationship from the comics. Which is a bad choice, not for just Doom, but for Reed’s character itself. You see, Doom is a
dark reflection of Reed. “Wow, the Villians a evil version of the Hero, what a big shock.” I know, I
know, it’s quite a frequent trope for that to be the case. But Doom could be considered the final
boss of this trope. While Reed has a support system, with family both blood and found, Doom’s
support system is himself. While Reed is a man who thinks almost exclusively logically, Doom is
both a master of Science and Magic. While Reed uses his advancements and his powers to
help the world, Doom cares for himself and those he considers worthy. And when they interact,
their contrasts and similarities are frequently highlighted and played with. For example, during
Secret Wars, Doom is given ultimate power, and used it to save what’s left of worlds he thinks
deserves to be saved, while punishing those he dislikes, especially members of the Fantastic
Four. Meanwhile, when given ultimate power, Reed uses it to rebuild the multiverse into
something new, as well as fixing Dr. Doom’s face. By removing their connection, you limit the
strength of both characters both individually and when opposing each other.
Recently, Marvel Comics announced a new event “One World Under Doom” a big event
revolving around, you guessed it, Dr. Doom taking over the Earth. This, I actually don’t have a
problem with. After all, he tends to do that a lot. However, I worry that this may be the last time
we see comic doom before he is replaced by MCU-ified Doom. This can work wonders for some
characters, such as Marvel’s Star-Lord or DC’s Peacemaker becoming more engaging and
deep characters while clearly being more similar to the movies then their past selves. However,
Dr. Doom is a character who’s identity is so trenched in history, both in the Marvel comics and
Marvel company, that making changes to fit more in with the new movies would only harm the
character’s effectiveness. While it might have worked for Iron Man, Robert Downey Jr. will not
be a good template for Doom’s personality.
Now onto the real reason I wrote this, Fortnite’s Absolute Doom. This newest season of Fortnite
is a spiritual successor to the first Marvel event a few years ago, and while it was both a hit
critically and financially, it was lackluster compared to it’s older sibling. However, I’d like to
explain my issues with the season, both Doom and in general. My main problem stems from
one cool, but overall bad decision: Killing the Fantastic Four. Trust me, seeing the Thing
Throne, and Mr. Fantastiball was cool. Really gave off Doom’s overwhelming power. But that
left us with no Fantastic Four in the story, with it mostly focusing on original fortnite character
“Hope”. Hope is… well, she’s fine. She’s your Katniss Everdeen, Harry Potter blank slate
character, prophisized to save the world. And that’s kinda… it. And that’s totally fine in a more
Fortnite lore centered season, but this is a Marvel season. I want to see Marvel characters
interact, lead the story, interact with them. It’s what made fighting Galactus so cool, since you
were side by side with other heroes from throughout the season.
Meanwhile, we just got really big Doom NPC that was just a bullet sponge. Speaking of Doom,
let’s talk about his arc here, or more specifically, the lack of one. In the first Marvel season,
Galactus was an everlooming threat, with characters working on getting the island ready to fight
back, as new characters appeared to help, both in the item shop and on the island. But in
Absolute Doom, everyone kinda stayed where they were in terms of role and storyline for the
whole season. Just a few bosses to fight, and a few generic NPCs (besides Gwenpool, she was
fun). And Doom’s whole goal in this season is confusing. It seems like it’s just “get power”.
Doom’s desire for strength comes from the idea that only with him in charge can the world
prosper, one that’s been proven to not be incorrect a few times. But in this season, we barely
interact with him, and when we do, there’s no real motivation. He’s kinda like Godzilla in a bad
monster movie. He’s just there to wreck stuff, and be a target for the heroes. And that’s what I
fear for him in the future. To lose his depth and become just a target.
Before I go, I want to leave you with something I do like. Recently, a youtube channel going by
Straight Outta Latveria has started. In it, a wonderfully unknown individual is playing one of the
best versions of Doctor Doom I’ve seen in media, seething with hatred and full of ego. And
that’s ego he deserves, as his works clearly reflect an attempt to adapt the pure essence of Dr.
Doom as a character: Bitter and Hatefilled in a way you hate to love and love to hate.
But what do you think? Are you worried about Doom’s portrayal recently? Do I just need to
touch grass and get laid? I’m trying, but it’s scary out there. Let me know in the comments. I
won’t read them. I’m too busy trying to go to hell to ask the devil where my mom is.

Luxury Hotels in Turmoil Boston News (original videos)

Boston's hotel industry has been rocked by recent worker strikes at two iconic properties: the Boston Park Plaza and the Omni Parker House. The strikes, part of a larger nationwide movement, have seen over 1,200 workers walk off the job, demanding better wages and working conditions.

At the Boston Park Plaza, part of the Hilton chain, workers began an indefinite strike on October 6, 2024. The strike lasted for 24 days before a tentative agreement was reached on October 29. The new contract, ratified on October 31, includes a $10 per hour wage increase over four years for non-tipped workers, improved hiring and severance language, and enhanced healthcare benefits.

Meanwhile, the Omni Parker House, America's longest continuously operating hotel, experienced its first-ever strike. Nearly 700 workers from the Omni Parker House and Omni Boston Seaport walked off the job on October 14, 2024. The strike at these Omni properties was shorter-lived, with a tentative agreement reached on October 19. Workers unanimously approved the new contract on October 20, which included wage increases and maintenance of healthcare benefits.

These strikes have highlighted the growing challenges faced by hotel workers in Boston, including rising living costs and staffing shortages. The successful negotiations at both hotels have set a new standard for the industry, potentially influencing ongoing negotiations at other Boston hotels.

Orignal Video by TheInnerCircle.Blog

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DDfLw0vOCZ2/?igsh=MW00ZTBxNndwa2Vidg==

"Top 5 Songs to Fuck to" By: Holden Kodish (EXPLICIT)

Top 5 songs to fuck to.

Just like what it says in the title. If you’re trying to get your nut or ladynut on, play these songs for a more intense experience

1. Thick of it, by KSI ft. Tripple Redd

This musical masterpiece by famous boxer and food producer KSI is a soulful ballad of a rap song, showing his struggles from the screen to the ring, and from the pen to the king. Who’s penis wouldn’t be at full mast to a tune like that? Not not mine, that’s for sure!

2. 4’33” Composed by John Cage

Yes, I’m including a classical song in the list, but for good reason. Cage’s ability to play with a
variety of instruments really shows his strengths, with each instrument coming together in new
and unique ways, making your every thrust feel more intense. Just listen to those French Horns
while you French your partner.

3. “The Apartment” (Season 2, Episode 5), by Seinfeld

In this hilarious romp, Jerry helps Elaine get an apartment in his building, only for him to soon
regret that decision. Meanwhile, George starts to wear a wedding ring to pick up girls. A solid
episode, and a testament to Seinfeld’s wacky humor. Jerry and the crew do it again!

4. I Love Little Girls, by Oingo Boingo

Oh boy, do I have a song for all the PDF’s out there. Coming straight out of the Oscar
Nominated and Grammy Winning mind of Danny Elfman, this song is for all the diddlers who
don’t know what subtlety is. Enjoy the anthem of Little Saint James Island, as you make a Little
Saint James yourself.

5. Keergentchig, by Yat-Kah

Finally, if those songs don’t tickle your whipple, give Keergentchig a try to harden your fry. This
beautiful love song transcends time and space, leading it to be the cause of over 6,000 babies
each year in Mongolia, and to be banned from playing on any radios (so cars don’t crash).
Well, if you’re still reading this, then you either are asexual, or destined to die alone. Either way,
not my problem. Have fun getting made fun of.

Most Embarrassing Things to Do in Public - By: Joe Finkel

Most Embarrassing Things to Do in 

Public

1. Falling - Taking a tumble is a traumatic experience as it is, but when faced with the scrutiny of the public eye, no one can come out unscathed. You cannot under any circumstances cry. Just don't even think about it. If your hat or accessories fall off -1 point, if your papers go flying everywhere, you may be living in a movie but also -10 points. If you don't get up after 10 seconds people have full reign to walk over you also. 
2. Eating a banana - Bruh, you know why. 
3. riding a unicycle - I have only seen this one or two times in my life, but if you are riding a unicycle as a serious method of transportation, you are going to make it in this life. Choosing the most uncomfortable vehicle in the universe has to be embarrassing but I honestly don't think these people feel any shame. I also think they won the game of life, comfort is the death of man. 
4. wearing a helmet as a kid - I know I know, this is super important, I would wear a helmet usually when forced to but for some weird reason, it was almost considered too safe to wear a helmet. As a kid you don't take many risks, most things are a safe bet for you, but riding a bike was a part of the day that was filled with adventure. It just didn't seem like the logical thing to do. Probably why you have to be a certain age to vote.
5. Sunglasses - They aren't even real
6. Turning around when on a destination-less walk, pretending to take your phone out and checking the directions as if you went the wrong way. 
7. Going for a fist bump to someone and getting curved, hand shake also applies, this is an act of accidental disrespect for the most part, but nevertheless an embarrassing occurrence. 
8. Forgetting to take your items after paying at the cash register at a CVS or whatnot and having them have to remind you. 
9. Peeing, pooping, or sharting your pants. But as Billy Madison said "You ain't cool unless you pee your pants" Has to be a top tier embarrassing moment but if you experience it you are basically on the fast track to never giving a piss (literally) about anything again. Nothing will be able to embarass you. Oh, you think public speaking made you nervous? you worried you'll say the wrong thing? now you'll know you can literally pee/poop your pants in this world (the MOST unconventional thing to do) and no one will care. I have close personal friends who forgot I did that one time! Still a goal of mine is to do it on stage in front of people. Well maybe at my first stand up set or something. 
10. Falling asleep - Falling asleep on the train on someones shoulder, or on the plane, especially as a dude is INSANE! It happens, if it is a close friend no worries at all, but a stranger?! That's Crazy. Do not let this ever happen to you. YOU WILL NEVER LIVE THIS DOWN. This actually may be worse than all the other things on this list. 
11. using an umbrella - just ridiculous, looking. But necessary. Especially unfolding an umbrella in the middle of a crowded street. Using it just looks like you're marry poppins, there really is no winning while using one of these. 
12. Falling asleep first at a sleepover. This is a certified and legal document approving your friend group to prank this individual, put all sorts of random items on top of them, whatever they deem a fit punishment for the crime. This will hold up in court. You fall asleep first and there is no guarantee you wake up. 

TOP 5 NEW MARVEL COMICS YOU SHOULD READ by: Holden Kodish

Hey everyone! Been a while. I missed you. How’s life? Oh, it’s malignant? Stage IV? That sucks. Aaaanyways, I wanted to do at least one serious article this time, and I realized that, for many non-comic readers, they tend to get suggested older stories. And while those stories are good, I believe that there any many more recent runs that deserve some spotlight. So here are the

TOP 5 RECENT MARVEL COMIC STORYLINES YOU SHOULD READ!

Number 5. The Krakoan Era of the X-Men by... Well, a lot of people

Since this year has been very X-Men focused, I think it’s only right that we begin with a pretty recent X-Men run, that being the so-called “Krakoa Era” of the X-Men that only ended about a year ago. Anyone who’s read the X-Men knows that the main issue they face is constant harassment and threats from the people around them, leading to the question “Why don’t they just fucking move?” And that question was answered... in 2001 by Grant Morrison. It did not. end. well (see X-Men ‘97 to understand what happened to Genosha). But, a few years ago, they were given another chance, this time living on the Living Mutant Island Krakoa (Yes, it is as confusing as it sounds, thanks for asking!). In a time where people are asking questions about the concept of an ethno-state, this run dares to ask, “What if Israel had magic powers”.

4. Immortal Hulk by Al Ewing

To be honest, this is one of the two series that made me decide to write this article. For many people, Hulk is that big green guy from the Marvel Movies that was dumb, but now is smart. But he is so, so much more than that. And no series does a better (or gorier) job at showing the history of the Hulk in Marvel Comics than Ewing’s Immortal Hulk. I don’t want to spoil too much, but if you're a big fan of body horror, magic, and/or anti-heroes (because as much as Marvel wants to pretend he’s not, the Hulk is an anti-hero), please read Immortal Hulk. Ewing’s also writing Immortal Thor at the moment, so if you want a more mythologically inspired take on the God of Thunder, give that a read too.

3. Venom by Donny Cates

Speaking of Anti-Heroes, we come to the other series that inspired this article, Donny Cates’ Venom storyline. Donny Cates is a writer I admire immensly for his ability to connect more than 70 years of Marvel history into one well-written story that’s as easy for newcomers as it is enjoyable for veterans. This is the run that inspired the Venom movies (especially the upcoming Venom 3: The Last Dance) by exploring Venom’s history, as well as Eddie Brock, with both characters evolving over the run into true heroes, while never losing what makes the character of Venom such an integral part of the Marvel (And Spider-Man) universe.

2. Ultimate Spider-Man by Jonathan Hickman

Speaking of the Wall-Crawling menace, I should probably put a Spider-Man run on this list, right? And since the main books isn’t the best at the moment (Paul, IYKYK) let’s focus on the other big Spider-Man run instead. While I love the Ultimates series that’s currently going on (Read Ultimates Number 4, now) I believe that the stand out series of this universe is Ultimate Spider-Man. It answers many of the fan desires that many fans didn’t know they had. I’d say it’s like if Peter B. Parker from Spider-Verse got his own run, but also, it’s nothing like that. It’s... hard to explain. But it’s great.

Honorable Mentions: 

Uncanny Spider-Man by Si Spurrier (Nightcrawler as Spider-Man, shout out to the best X-Man), 

Thanos (plus Cosmic Ghost Rider) by Donny Cates (Cosmic Ghost Rider is one of the best new Marvel characters to be created, and I will accept no arguments against this fact), 

Jeb Mackay’s Moon Knight run (Another story that does a great job at bringing back long forgotten Marvel concepts)

AND IN FIRST PLACE

1. Deadpool by Gerry Duggan and Brian Posehn

Oh, wow, what are the odds that my favorite (and first) Marvel series I’ve ever read is in first place? Crazy. But, seriously, this run is one of the best comic runs of all time, in my opinion. This is the run that really defines the character of Deadpool for me as more than just a jokey character. It’s what I really wanted the Ryan Reynolds movies to be like, and while they do sometimes dive into the emotional aspects of Deadpool, this run is so impactful that, in canon, Deadpool hates the writers for all the emotional turmoil this run put him through. I don’t want to spoil too much of this run, but if there was ever a storyline you need to read, it would be Deadpool: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. I cry every time.

So that’s some of the more recent runs of Marvel that I think you should read. But what do you think? Do any of these appeal to you? Did I miss any? Am I weird for putting a Deadpool story at number one? Leave your thoughts in the comments below. I won’t read them though. I’m too busy getting bitches. Bye! 

(PS: The art in all of these books is great, sorry I didn’t include your name, artists!)

TOP 5 JOBS WE NEED TO BRING BACK ASAP - By: Holden Kodish

After years of automation improvements as well as an increased focus on the online market, jobs are getting harder and harder to come across. Plus, with the economy on the decline, the available jobs are being fought over by every Tom, Dick and Holden (please, give me money). So, I’ve done some digging, and have found 5 jobs that don’t exist anymore that I want to talk about.

5. Donkey Puncher

I put this as number 5 because while the name sounds cool, it’s just an engineer for a steam engine. Could you imagine a job where you just punch donkeys all day? Eddie Murphy would need to watch his back.

4. Glimmer Man.
No, this is apparently not a gay slur. It was instead a job in Ireland to monitor the usage of gas
during wartime. The job sounds interesting, but can you imagine the absolute swagger someone
going by “The Glimmer Man” would have. It’s absurd.

3. Hippeis
It may seem like I misspelled Hippies, but you’d be wrong. Mainly because, as any boomer will
tell you, being a Hippy does not make you much money. A Hippeis was the Ancient Greek
equivalent of a knight, an upper-class citizen who was trained to fight on horseback. Either way,
both need to know where a good supply of grass is.

2. Sandal-Bearer or Cup-Bearer
This person's job was to bear the Sandals or Cup or whatever of the nobility. While they weren’t
paid extremely well (like an intern), there was a chance at upward mobility and influence if you
were to impress the person you worked under (like an intern). And for you creeps out there, the
Sandal-Bearer got to wash the pharaoh's feet. Foot Fetishest, think about what you’ve lost!

1. Toad Doctor
This one seems like a scam. Basically, in England, there
would sometimes be a disease called
Scrofula (I highly suggest you don’t look it up). They believed that putting a toad in a bag
and hanging it on the person until they got better and/or died. Probably the second option.
These are just some of the interesting obsolete jobs I found. Would you do any of these jobs?
Are there any cooler jobs I should have included? What do you think happened to D.B. Cooper
after he jumped? I like to think he’s still alive, living in a giant fort made of dollar
bills. Leave your thoughts in the comments below. I won’t read them. I’m too busy judging
people for their sins.

Top 5 things you agreed to when signing up for Disney+ By: Holden Kodish

After Disney’s announcement that, due to the terms and conditions of Disney+, all issues with Disney must be settled via arbitration, including death by allergy, we had our lawyer, Rodger “The Hammer” Hammerstein look over the Disney+ terms and conditions to see what else we missed.

Here are 5 other things you agreed to when signing up for Disney+

1. You agree that “Warner Brothers is for poopyheads, and Spongebob is for little babies”

This is actually seen in most terms and conditions, from Spotify to Dick’s Sporting Goods, which has it printed 3 times in their terms and conditions, and once in their mission statement.

2. You agree that “This statement is False”

This has been put in place to stop AI from reading the terms and conditions for Disney+. On a side note, does anyone have a computer for us to borrow? The Hammer’s has recently blown up (not due to the message, he just wanted to see how many firecrackers he could fit inside. It was 6.)

3. You agree that “Disney owns the rights to any ideas you come up with”

Unfortunately, this means that my idea of “World’s strongest Baby” is on hold until 2143 AD. Stay tuned!

4. You agree to “See every Disney movie and show, under threat of violence.”

Goofy has been seen breaking into multiple homes, brandishing a baseball bat, and stating “Why the f-yuck are you not watching The Acolyte?!?”

5. You agree to “Not make fun of the Disney Corporation or its subsidiaries in any way.”

Please send help, Elsa and Black Widow are beating the shit out of me, and it’s starting to not be hot anymore. 

Remember that reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, give me your money, BYE!!!!!

Written by Holden Kodish

Top 10 Decades I Should Have Lived In - By Holden Kodish

Top 10 Decades I Should Have Lived In

1. The 70s

   Disco, roller-skating, and Nixon. What’s not to love about one of America’s high points? Wait, what’s happening in Vietnam?

2. The 40s

   I’m just saying, if I was alive then, and it was me, Hitler wouldn’t have been a problem. That scene in Inglorious Basterds would have been a wonderful movie experience compared to what I’d do to him.

3. The 1880s

   I wanna be a cowboy, baaaaby. Bang bang!

4. The 1090s

   I could have participated in the one crusade that actually, you know, worked, and I’d be pardoned from all sins, past, present, and future. Brothels, here I come!

5. The 2150s

   Look, someone is going to have to tell President Beegleborp that his plan to keep illegal aliens out isn’t going to work. You can’t build a wall around the solar system! We don’t have the resources, Beegleborp!

6. Year 0

   I’d probably just tell Jesus about, like, gay people and the iPhone. See what he does with that.

7. The 20s BC

   I think it’s only fair that if I include WWII, then I should also include the Roman Empire. As we all know, those are the only two periods in history.

8. 2001

   Yes, I was technically a baby at the time. But, as an adult, I can warn George Bush about the most important event of the 21st century: the closing of Club Penguin in 2017. He could probably stop it.

9. 6000 BC

   If I brought a flip lighter and a bag of apple seeds, I would be a god. Worship me, oh lowly beings, for I bring fire and food wherever I go.

10. The Dawn of Time

    I’d go back and… I don’t know, make all humans magenta? Stop them from canceling Dan Vs.? Make the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles real? I don’t know, I’ll figure it out when it happens.

A Mock Interview with the Trump Assassin / Shooter By: Holden Kodish

A Mock Interview with the Trump Assassin / Shooter By: Holden Kodish

*100% Comedy/Satire 

Q: Hi, thanks so much for agreeing to this interview.

A: No problem. It’s part of my community service.

Q: Can you tell us your name?

A: I would, but then I’d have to kill you.

Q: What made you want to assassinate President Trump?

A: Well, I saw an interview saying Jodie Foster hated Gen Z, so I wanted to impress her.

Q: How did you practice for this assassination?

A: I played a mix of Counter-Strike, Call of Duty, and Disney Dreamlight Valley.

Q: What was your reaction when you missed the shot?

A: Disappointed. I was actually aiming for his toupee.

Q: What is your favorite movie?

Q: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

I: Many people think you’re an agent for either the Trump or Biden campaign. Is that true?

Q: Nope! I’m actually part of the Robert F. Kennedy campaign. #Brainworms2024

I: Do you have any regrets about your actions?

Q: Yeah, I just wish Biden was there, to get a 2 for 1 combo.

I: What would you change if you could do it again?

Q: I’d probably wait for him to do an attack, and then aim for his weak point.

I: Anything you’d like to say to those who would consider a similar course of action?

Q: Shoot for the stars! Even if you miss, you’ll probably hit a fireman or something.

I: Thank you for your time.

Q: You’re welcome. Now if you excuse me, I have a business to promote.

I: Oh, what business?

Q: Claire’s ear piercings.

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Chapter 1 - By: Holden Kodish

If you’ve never opened the door in your underwear to a dead magician at your doorstep, it’s a hard feeling to describe. It’s like seeing a broken vase on the floor, and knowing you’re going to be blamed for it, while at the same time having your man boobs out. And, instead of having to work a few extra hours to pay for a new vase (one that really doesn’t work with the fang shui of the room), you spend 25 to life in prison, where the fang shui is much, MUCH, worse.

So, I did the only reasonable action. I dragged the street magician’s lifeless body into my front room.

“For such a lanky bastard.” I said as I heaved his body “He sure is heavy. Do people get heavier when they die? I think I heard that somewhere.” I paused, wondering who I was talking to, and then finished dragging him through my doorway. It was only after I dragged the body in that I realized that covering a dead body last seen on your front porch with your fingerprints is NOT a good idea. Then, I remembered that episode of Breaking Bad. You know, like the second or third episode, when they have to get rid of that body? They cut the guy into little pieces and put those in barrels of hydrochloric acid or something. To be honest, I never watched Breaking Bad. I just read the Wikipedia page.

It was only when I returned from the tool shed that I realized that hydrochloric acid is not a common household material. Nor are steel drums. So right now, I have a dead corpse in my front room, covered in my fingerprints, as I stand over him carrying my saw. “Yeah, I’m screwed,” I thought. As I wondered how much a good lawyer would cost in Topeka, I noticed something. The magician was wearing a top hat. 

It was black, yet stainless as if it was fresh out of the box. A golden rim went around the hat, with ridges and divides like a vinyl record. And in the corner of the hat (do hats have corners?) was a little pink and yellow flower. 

Seeing that hat awakened something in me. Like most boys, I had a phase where I wanted to be a street magician. I had the little magic wand, and the ruffled shirt. Hell, I even had a signature trick. I called it “The Reverse Digestive System”. I’d stick the wand in one hole, and it’d come out the other. I learned a very important lesson from that. Girls don’t like guys who shove sticks up their asses. So I gave it up. Became you’re average white guy. Went into accounting. Lost some weight. Grew a goatee. But deep in my core, I still dreamed about becoming a magician. So, as a joke, I put on the hat. That’s when my head began to hurt. It felt like someone was doing acupuncture on my brain, thousands of needles poking in. And just as quickly as it started, it stopped.

“Weird,” I thought to myself

“Cutie, if you think that’s weird, well… it’s about to get real fucking bizarre.” Myself responded.

“TOP TEN FELONIES COMMITTED BY PRESIDENTS” written by: Holden Kodish

Donald Trump has recently been found
guilty of 34 counts of falsifying business records.

However, as Rep. Andy Biggs recently stated: “The average American commits three felonies a

day”. And nowhere is this more true than with our presidents. Here’s a list of the Top 10

Felonies committed by Presidents.

10. George Washington: Arborcide

Apparently, after the cutting of his father's cherry tree, he turned to a nearby sapling and said “If

you tell anyone what you saw here today, you’ll be next” and did the finger-to-the-throat move.

9. Abraham Lincoln: Hate Crimes

While he is well-known for his work in emancipating the slaves, there was one minority that

Abraham Lincoln hated above all others: vampires. He’s on record as saying “If I see another of

those fucking batwing ass freaks flying around the capital, I will go to Transylvania and kick

Dracula’s ass myself”

8. John Berrington: Election Fraud

No way in hell that John won that election fair and square. You can’t promise students “no

homework”. We don’t control that. The government does, stupid. And yet, he gets to be class

president. Definitely rigged.

7. Rutherford B Hayes: Drug Smuggling

Before becoming the 19th president, Mr. Hayes used to run guns to El Salvador under the name

“El Negro Toro”. To this day, it’s rumored that he is actually the true leader of the Mexican

Cartel.

6. Richard Nixon: Watergate

This one’s not even funny. Like, he actually did do Watergate. Like, the whole robbery? He did it

himself. He was a hands-on boss.

5. The President from Monsters Vs Aliens: War Crimes

Looking into those soulless eyes, you can tell that the president committed numerous war

crimes. Many villages in Vietnam still live in fear of “Axel F”

4. John Tyler: Manslaughter

To be honest, I actually know nothing about John Tyler. I just thought this premise would be

funny, “Oh, what about the no-name presidents, what if they committed crimes”. Now, I have

three more presidents to go, and I’ve resorted to meta-commentary for my jokes. A disgrace.

3. Ummmmm... oh, Trump! The 34 counts of fraud

Your quick wit saves you again Holden. But for how long?

2. Obama: Plagiarism

His name actually came from the song Mo Bamba. He had to change it due to a cease and

desist from Sheck Wes.

1. George W. Bush: 9/11

Honestly tell me that you did not expect this to be number one. Try lying to my face.

Eat at Frenchy’s (a very late Loki parody) By: Holden Kodish

“Hey, when did they open a new restaurant?”

I took out my headphones and turned to Michelle. “Sorry, what?”

“I asked when they opened up that new restaurant.” Michelle pointed at a building across the street. What was once a home for junkies and homeless people had, overnight, become an upscale restaurant.

“Frenchy’s” I read the restaurant's name out loud. “You think it’s a French toast place?”

“Either that or snails.” Michelle laughed at her joke. “You want to try it out?”

“Nah, I’m good. Not really hungry.” We continued walking. Michelle was telling me about her latest boy troubles. 

“You’d think it’d be easy to find a man who fits the 6-6-6 rule.” I started to remember why I put the headphones in the first place. But I sighed.

“What’s this 6-6-6 thing?” I asked her

“You know, 6 ft tall, 6 figure salary, and a 6 inch…”

Before she could finish her sentence, a door opened in front of us. Out of it poured a bunch of people. They looked like they were wearing SWAT gear, and held what seemed to be glowing batons. 

“You’re going to have to come with us.” They said as they grabbed the two of us. 

“My uncle’s a lawyer” Michelle lied “I know my rights!”

“Ms. Debois, we know that’s a lie. Your uncle runs a pawn shop in Jersey.”

As they threw us into the door, I squeaked out a question “What did we do wrong.”

The door began to close, as one of the guards implanted his baton into the ground. All he was able to say was “Next time, get something to eat.”

————————————

I shook my head

“Sorry, Michelle, what was that?”

“God, you have the attention span of a dog. I asked if you wanted to try it out.”

“Um, sure.” I shrugged. “I could eat.”

This story has been sponsored by Frenchy’s: Eat like your life depends on it.

Fugakyu Brookline Review

Fugakyu Brookline Review:

If you like to eat out and don't like to cook, but want an intimate experience in a semi-private atmosphere, look no further. My experience: Two times I went in the past two weeks I was able to find parking right in front of it, on the opposite side of the street. Upon entering, you are greeted by a light wood interior, a fish pond full to the brim, and two floors of the greatest sushi experience in Boston. There are normal tables which are nice with a big group that is looking for a more typical restaurant experience and there are also private rooms that have sliding doors. 

I ate:

Crunchy sushi (6.4) warm not my style

California roll - classic, but the best way to judge (pristine and refreshing, ahhhhh)

Spicy Duck - eh - take it or leave it

Miso soup - must-order essentials

White rice - mid

edamame - good as always 

sake flight - one of them looked like lemonade - that one's the best

green tea (hot) - must have, comes extra hot, not for the faint of heart.

overall experience + food = 9.1/10

Every U.S City had a Great Fire?

 Maybe the weirdest coincidence I have ever come across is the Great Fire coincidence of the 1800s. I saw an article saying that every major city in the U.S had a massive fire between 1800 and 1870. I had a hard time believing this, and honestly, how can you blame me with all the far-fetched conspiracies circulating the Internet today? None of those ever turned out to be true right? ;) Upon a quick Google I was stunned, type in the great fire of ______ (insert any major U.S city from 1800) 

• Great Boston Fire of 1872

• Great Chicago Fire 1871

• Great Fire of 1805 Detroit

• Great Fire of New York - 1835 

+Dallas, LA & More

Why do we read left to right? By: Holden Kodish

 I’ve always wondered why we write our words left to right, and then move down a row. With the advent of new technology, wouldn’t it make more sense to rotate the page over and over like a circle until you reach that nice center point. “But Holden” You say “What about dyslexics?” Well, I’m pretty sure that the way the words are organized would be trouble for some people, and a benefit for another. And plus, I think we’d all agree, this is much, much, much, much, prettier.

The Top 10 Celebrity Cooking Disasters

1. The Burnt Pancake Fiasco: When Gordon Ramsay attempted to flip pancakes for a charity breakfast event, things took a fiery turn. Instead of golden perfection, he ended up with a charred mess that even his signature insults couldn't salvage.

2. The Overcooked Pasta Debacle: Martha Stewart, the queen of homemaking, faced embarrassment when she served overcooked pasta to a group of high-profile guests. It seems even culinary royalty can't always get al dente just right.

3. The Salty Soup Surprise: Bobby Flay, known for his culinary prowess, had a slip-up when he accidentally poured an entire container of salt into a soup he was preparing live on television. The resulting salty soup had viewers cringing and reaching for their water glasses.

4. The Raw Chicken Catastrophe: Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa herself, had a rare misstep when she served up raw chicken at a dinner party. It seems even the most seasoned chefs can have their off days in the kitchen.

5. The Kitchen Fire Fiasco: When Rachael Ray attempted to flambe a dish for her cooking show, things went from sizzle to fizzle in seconds flat. The kitchen fire that ensued had viewers tuning in for the drama, rather than the recipe.

6. The Burnt Thanksgiving Turkey Disaster: When Jamie Oliver attempted to roast a Thanksgiving turkey for his American fans, he forgot one crucial step: setting the oven temperature. The result? A burnt bird that even gravy couldn't mask.

7. The Soufflé Collapse: Nigella Lawson's attempt at a soufflé on her cooking show ended in disaster when the delicate dessert collapsed before the camera. It seems even culinary goddesses have their soufflé slumps.

8. The Unappetizing Smoothie Mishap: When Joe Wicks, the Body Coach, attempted to blend a healthy smoothie for his Instagram followers, he accidentally added a spoonful of salt instead of sugar. The resulting concoction had fans questioning his taste buds.

9. The Spicy Curry Overload: When Ayesha Curry attempted to spice up her curry recipe for her family, she accidentally added an entire bottle of chili powder instead of a teaspoon. The resulting dish had her husband, Steph Curry, reaching for the milk jug.

10. The Cake Collapse Catastrophe: When Buddy Valastro, the Cake Boss himself, attempted to transport a multi-tiered cake for a celebrity wedding, disaster struck. The cake collapsed en route, leaving the bride and groom with a sweet memory they'd rather forget.