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Friday, August 23, 2024

Top 5 things you agreed to when signing up for Disney+ By: Holden Kodish

After Disney’s announcement that, due to the terms and conditions of Disney+, all issues with Disney must be settled via arbitration, including death by allergy, we had our lawyer, Rodger “The Hammer” Hammerstein look over the Disney+ terms and conditions to see what else we missed.


Here are 5 other things you agreed to when signing up for Disney+



1. You agree that “Warner Brothers is for poopyheads, and Spongebob is for little babies”

This is actually seen in most terms and conditions, from Spotify to Dick’s Sporting Goods, which has it printed 3 times in their terms and conditions, and once in their mission statement.

2. You agree that “This statement is False”

This has been put in place to stop AI from reading the terms and conditions for Disney+. On a side note, does anyone have a computer for us to borrow? The Hammer’s has recently blown up (not due to the message, he just wanted to see how many firecrackers he could fit inside. It was 6.)

3. You agree that “Disney owns the rights to any ideas you come up with”

Unfortunately, this means that my idea of “World’s strongest Baby” is on hold until 2143 AD. Stay tuned!

4. You agree to “See every Disney movie and show, under threat of violence.”

Goofy has been seen breaking into multiple homes, brandishing a baseball bat, and stating “Why the f-yuck are you not watching The Acolyte?!?”

5. You agree to “Not make fun of the Disney Corporation or its subsidiaries in any way.”

Please send help, Elsa and Black Widow are beating the shit out of me, and it’s starting to not be hot anymore. 

Remember that reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, give me your money, BYE!!!!!

Written by Holden Kodish

Thursday, August 8, 2024

Top 10 Decades I Should Have Lived In - By Holden Kodish

Top 10 Decades I Should Have Lived In

1. The 70s
   Disco, roller-skating, and Nixon. What’s not to love about one of America’s high points? Wait, what’s happening in Vietnam?

2. The 40s
   I’m just saying, if I was alive then, and it was me, Hitler wouldn’t have been a problem. That scene in Inglorious Basterds would have been a wonderful movie experience compared to what I’d do to him.

3. The 1880s
   I wanna be a cowboy, baaaaby. Bang bang!


4. The 1090s
   I could have participated in the one crusade that actually, you know, worked, and I’d be pardoned from all sins, past, present, and future. Brothels, here I come!

5. The 2150s
   Look, someone is going to have to tell President Beegleborp that his plan to keep illegal aliens out isn’t going to work. You can’t build a wall around the solar system! We don’t have the resources, Beegleborp!

6. Year 0
   I’d probably just tell Jesus about, like, gay people and the iPhone. See what he does with that.

7. The 20s BC
   I think it’s only fair that if I include WWII, then I should also include the Roman Empire. As we all know, those are the only two periods in history.

8. 2001
   Yes, I was technically a baby at the time. But, as an adult, I can warn George Bush about the most important event of the 21st century: the closing of Club Penguin in 2017. He could probably stop it.

9. 6000 BC
   If I brought a flip lighter and a bag of apple seeds, I would be a god. Worship me, oh lowly beings, for I bring fire and food wherever I go.

10. The Dawn of Time
    I’d go back and… I don’t know, make all humans magenta? Stop them from canceling Dan Vs.? Make the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles real? I don’t know, I’ll figure it out when it happens.

Wednesday, August 7, 2024

Keepin.ai’s Kickstarter Campaign Launches in Just 1 Month!

Save 200 Days of Your Life: Keepin.ai's Revolutionary Storage Solution

www.keepin.ai/kickstarter

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/keepin/keepin-find-your-stuff-save-up-to-200-days

In just one month, Keepin.ai is launching its Kickstarter campaign, and you won't want to miss it!


Have you ever wondered how much time you waste searching for lost items? According to lostings.com, the average person spends up to 200 days of their life looking for misplaced belongings. Imagine reclaiming all that lost time and transforming how you manage your stuff. That’s where Keepin.ai comes in.

Keepin.ai is not just another item tracker; it’s a cutting-edge instant item finder that combines QR codes, NFC tags, and an AI chatbot to revolutionize the way you organize and locate your belongings. Our system is designed to completely eliminate the frustration of searching for lost items within your space.

Here’s how it works:

  1. Smart Storage System: Our innovative approach includes smart storage containers with QR codes that you can also add to your existing bins and boxes. For those containers that look alike, our app can help you differentiate them with ease.
  2. AI-Enhanced Mobile App: Simply scan your items with the app’s camera as you place them into containers. The AI will automatically categorize and record them. If you’re looking for something specific, just type a description or show a photo, and the app will pinpoint the exact location of your item.
  3. Seamless Integration: Keepin.ai integrates with smart home devices, allowing you to ask about item locations in a natural conversation. Plus, it tracks item status and history, ensuring you know exactly where everything is at all times.
  4. Privacy and Security: All information is encrypted and stored locally on your device, with options for secure sharing within trusted networks.

Keepin.ai is more than just a storage solution—it’s a personal assistant for your home, making organization effortless and efficient. Whether you’re a busy professional, a parent, or simply someone who values a clutter-free space, Keepin.ai is designed to make your life easier.

Stay tuned for our Kickstarter launch in one month and be among the first to experience a future where finding lost items is a thing of the past.

Don’t miss out on the chance to save 200 days of your life and bring revolutionary organization to your home. For updates and more information, visit our website and follow us on social media!

www.keepin.ai/kickstarter

https://hoo.be/keepin




 

Sunday, August 4, 2024

A Mock Interview with the Trump Assassin / Shooter By: Holden Kodish

A Mock Interview with the Trump Assassin / Shooter By: Holden Kodish

*100% Comedy/Satire 

Q: Hi, thanks so much for agreeing to this interview.

A: No problem. It’s part of my community service.

Q: Can you tell us your name?

A: I would, but then I’d have to kill you.

Q: What made you want to assassinate President Trump?

A: Well, I saw an interview saying Jodie Foster hated Gen Z, so I wanted to impress her.

Q: How did you practice for this assassination?

A: I played a mix of Counter-Strike, Call of Duty, and Disney Dreamlight Valley.

Q: What was your reaction when you missed the shot?

A: Disappointed. I was actually aiming for his toupee.

Q: What is your favorite movie?

Q: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

I: Many people think you’re an agent for either the Trump or Biden campaign. Is that true?

Q: Nope! I’m actually part of the Robert F. Kennedy campaign. #Brainworms2024

I: Do you have any regrets about your actions?

Q: Yeah, I just wish Biden was there, to get a 2 for 1 combo.

I: What would you change if you could do it again?

Q: I’d probably wait for him to do an attack, and then aim for his weak point.

I: Anything you’d like to say to those who would consider a similar course of action?

Q: Shoot for the stars! Even if you miss, you’ll probably hit a fireman or something.

I: Thank you for your time.

Q: You’re welcome. Now if you excuse me, I have a business to promote.

I: Oh, what business?

Q: Claire’s ear piercings.


SHOP THE "TRUMP GOT SHOT" T-SHIRT TO HELP SAVE THE INNER CIRCLE 

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Monday, June 10, 2024

Chapter 1 - By: Holden Kodish

If you’ve never opened the door in your underwear to a dead magician at your doorstep, it’s a hard feeling to describe. It’s like seeing a broken vase on the floor, and knowing you’re going to be blamed for it, while at the same time having your man boobs out. And, instead of having to work a few extra hours to pay for a new vase (one that really doesn’t work with the fang shui of the room), you spend 25 to life in prison, where the fang shui is much, MUCH, worse.

So, I did the only reasonable action. I dragged the street magician’s lifeless body into my front room.

“For such a lanky bastard.” I said as I heaved his body “He sure is heavy. Do people get heavier when they die? I think I heard that somewhere.” I paused, wondering who I was talking to, and then finished dragging him through my doorway. It was only after I dragged the body in that I realized that covering a dead body last seen on your front porch with your fingerprints is NOT a good idea. Then, I remembered that episode of Breaking Bad. You know, like the second or third episode, when they have to get rid of that body? They cut the guy into little pieces and put those in barrels of hydrochloric acid or something. To be honest, I never watched Breaking Bad. I just read the Wikipedia page.

It was only when I returned from the tool shed that I realized that hydrochloric acid is not a common household material. Nor are steel drums. So right now, I have a dead corpse in my front room, covered in my fingerprints, as I stand over him carrying my saw. “Yeah, I’m screwed,” I thought. As I wondered how much a good lawyer would cost in Topeka, I noticed something. The magician was wearing a top hat. 

It was black, yet stainless as if it was fresh out of the box. A golden rim went around the hat, with ridges and divides like a vinyl record. And in the corner of the hat (do hats have corners?) was a little pink and yellow flower. 

Seeing that hat awakened something in me. Like most boys, I had a phase where I wanted to be a street magician. I had the little magic wand, and the ruffled shirt. Hell, I even had a signature trick. I called it “The Reverse Digestive System”. I’d stick the wand in one hole, and it’d come out the other. I learned a very important lesson from that. Girls don’t like guys who shove sticks up their asses. So I gave it up. Became you’re average white guy. Went into accounting. Lost some weight. Grew a goatee. But deep in my core, I still dreamed about becoming a magician. So, as a joke, I put on the hat. That’s when my head began to hurt. It felt like someone was doing acupuncture on my brain, thousands of needles poking in. And just as quickly as it started, it stopped.

“Weird,” I thought to myself

“Cutie, if you think that’s weird, well… it’s about to get real fucking bizarre.” Myself responded.

Friday, June 7, 2024

“TOP TEN FELONIES COMMITTED BY PRESIDENTS” written by: Holden Kodish

Donald Trump has recently been found
guilty of 34 counts of falsifying business records.

However, as Rep. Andy Biggs recently stated: “The average American commits three felonies a

day”. And nowhere is this more true than with our presidents. Here’s a list of the Top 10

Felonies committed by Presidents.

10. George Washington: Arborcide

Apparently, after the cutting of his father's cherry tree, he turned to a nearby sapling and said “If

you tell anyone what you saw here today, you’ll be next” and did the finger-to-the-throat move.

9. Abraham Lincoln: Hate Crimes

While he is well-known for his work in emancipating the slaves, there was one minority that

Abraham Lincoln hated above all others: vampires. He’s on record as saying “If I see another of

those fucking batwing ass freaks flying around the capital, I will go to Transylvania and kick

Dracula’s ass myself”

8. John Berrington: Election Fraud

No way in hell that John won that election fair and square. You can’t promise students “no

homework”. We don’t control that. The government does, stupid. And yet, he gets to be class

president. Definitely rigged.

7. Rutherford B Hayes: Drug Smuggling

Before becoming the 19th president, Mr. Hayes used to run guns to El Salvador under the name

“El Negro Toro”. To this day, it’s rumored that he is actually the true leader of the Mexican

Cartel.

6. Richard Nixon: Watergate

This one’s not even funny. Like, he actually did do Watergate. Like, the whole robbery? He did it

himself. He was a hands-on boss.

5. The President from Monsters Vs Aliens: War Crimes

Looking into those soulless eyes, you can tell that the president committed numerous war

crimes. Many villages in Vietnam still live in fear of “Axel F”

4. John Tyler: Manslaughter

To be honest, I actually know nothing about John Tyler. I just thought this premise would be

funny, “Oh, what about the no-name presidents, what if they committed crimes”. Now, I have

three more presidents to go, and I’ve resorted to meta-commentary for my jokes. A disgrace.

3. Ummmmm... oh, Trump! The 34 counts of fraud

Your quick wit saves you again Holden. But for how long?

2. Obama: Plagiarism

His name actually came from the song Mo Bamba. He had to change it due to a cease and

desist from Sheck Wes.

1. George W. Bush: 9/11

Honestly tell me that you did not expect this to be number one. Try lying to my face.

Wednesday, June 5, 2024

Eat at Frenchy’s (a very late Loki parody) By: Holden Kodish

“Hey, when did they open a new restaurant?”

I took out my headphones and turned to Michelle. “Sorry, what?”

“I asked when they opened up that new restaurant.” Michelle pointed at a building across the street. What was once a home for junkies and homeless people had, overnight, become an upscale restaurant.

“Frenchy’s” I read the restaurant's name out loud. “You think it’s a French toast place?”

“Either that or snails.” Michelle laughed at her joke. “You want to try it out?”

“Nah, I’m good. Not really hungry.” We continued walking. Michelle was telling me about her latest boy troubles. 

“You’d think it’d be easy to find a man who fits the 6-6-6 rule.” I started to remember why I put the headphones in the first place. But I sighed.

“What’s this 6-6-6 thing?” I asked her

“You know, 6 ft tall, 6 figure salary, and a 6 inch…”

Before she could finish her sentence, a door opened in front of us. Out of it poured a bunch of people. They looked like they were wearing SWAT gear, and held what seemed to be glowing batons. 

“You’re going to have to come with us.” They said as they grabbed the two of us. 

“My uncle’s a lawyer” Michelle lied “I know my rights!”

“Ms. Debois, we know that’s a lie. Your uncle runs a pawn shop in Jersey.”

As they threw us into the door, I squeaked out a question “What did we do wrong.”

The door began to close, as one of the guards implanted his baton into the ground. All he was able to say was “Next time, get something to eat.”

————————————

I shook my head

“Sorry, Michelle, what was that?”

“God, you have the attention span of a dog. I asked if you wanted to try it out.”

“Um, sure.” I shrugged. “I could eat.”


This story has been sponsored by Frenchy’s: Eat like your life depends on it.

Tuesday, May 21, 2024

Fugakyu Brookline Review


Fugakyu Brookline Review:

If you like to eat out and don't like to cook, but want an intimate experience in a semi-private atmosphere, look no further. My experience: Two times I went in the past two weeks I was able to find parking right in front of it, on the opposite side of the street. Upon entering, you are greeted by a light wood interior, a fish pond full to the brim, and two floors of the greatest sushi experience in Boston. There are normal tables which are nice with a big group that is looking for a more typical restaurant experience and there are also private rooms that have sliding doors. 

I ate:

Crunchy sushi (6.4) warm not my style

California roll - classic, but the best way to judge (pristine and refreshing, ahhhhh)

Spicy Duck - eh - take it or leave it

Miso soup - must-order essentials

White rice - mid

edamame - good as always 

sake flight - one of them looked like lemonade - that one's the best

green tea (hot) - must have, comes extra hot, not for the faint of heart.

overall experience + food = 9.1/10

Every U.S City had a Great Fire?


 Maybe the weirdest coincidence I have ever come across is the Great Fire coincidence of the 1800s. I saw an article saying that every major city in the U.S had a massive fire between 1800 and 1870. I had a hard time believing this, and honestly, how can you blame me with all the far-fetched conspiracies circulating the Internet today? None of those ever turned out to be true right? ;) Upon a quick Google I was stunned, type in the great fire of ______ (insert any major U.S city from 1800) 

• Great Boston Fire of 1872

• Great Chicago Fire 1871

• Great Fire of 1805 Detroit

• Great Fire of New York - 1835 

+Dallas, LA & More

First Ever Keepin.AI Alpha Test Launch

Hello, and thank you for being part of the first alpha testing for Keepin!
Directions: Upload a video of your hand picking up and placing items, either on a flat surface or in a container. Make sure object is visible but you can store things away like you naturally do. If something has a label and you choose to have it face forward, it may read that label and include relevant info. Currently the model is expected to have errors, but should get a good amount correct or close. Feel free to share the video along with your results, and thanks again for being one of the first to try Keepin out!

Alpha Test: Must Sign Up with E-Mail to be notified when active!
EXAMPLE VIDEOS BELOW:
5-10 items per video are recommended, it’s fine if they’re placed on top of or in front of of each other. Longer videos may take to process and could affect accuracy, but feel free to try and report issues. [No Object] Really means “manual input,” it is detected and will be prioritized in post organizing double check. This will be improved over time.




 

Monday, May 20, 2024

Why do we read left to right? By: Holden Kodish

 I’ve always wondered why we write our words left to right, and then move down a row. With the advent of new technology, wouldn’t it make more sense to rotate the page over and over like a circle until you reach that nice center point. “But Holden” You say “What about dyslexics?” Well, I’m pretty sure that the way the words are organized would be trouble for some people, and a benefit for another. And plus, I think we’d all agree, this is much, much, much, much, prettier.







Wednesday, May 8, 2024

The Top 10 Celebrity Cooking Disasters

  1. The Burnt Pancake Fiasco: When Gordon Ramsay attempted to flip pancakes for a charity breakfast event, things took a fiery turn. Instead of golden perfection, he ended up with a charred mess that even his signature insults couldn't salvage.

  2. The Overcooked Pasta Debacle: Martha Stewart, the queen of homemaking, faced embarrassment when she served overcooked pasta to a group of high-profile guests. It seems even culinary royalty can't always get al dente just right.

  3. The Salty Soup Surprise: Bobby Flay, known for his culinary prowess, had a slip-up when he accidentally poured an entire container of salt into a soup he was preparing live on television. The resulting salty soup had viewers cringing and reaching for their water glasses.

  4. The Raw Chicken Catastrophe: Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa herself, had a rare misstep when she served up raw chicken at a dinner party. It seems even the most seasoned chefs can have their off days in the kitchen.

  5. The Kitchen Fire Fiasco: When Rachael Ray attempted to flambe a dish for her cooking show, things went from sizzle to fizzle in seconds flat. The kitchen fire that ensued had viewers tuning in for the drama, rather than the recipe.

  6. The Burnt Thanksgiving Turkey Disaster: When Jamie Oliver attempted to roast a Thanksgiving turkey for his American fans, he forgot one crucial step: setting the oven temperature. The result? A burnt bird that even gravy couldn't mask.

  7. The Soufflé Collapse: Nigella Lawson's attempt at a soufflé on her cooking show ended in disaster when the delicate dessert collapsed before the camera. It seems even culinary goddesses have their soufflé slumps.

  8. The Unappetizing Smoothie Mishap: When Joe Wicks, the Body Coach, attempted to blend a healthy smoothie for his Instagram followers, he accidentally added a spoonful of salt instead of sugar. The resulting concoction had fans questioning his taste buds.

  9. The Spicy Curry Overload: When Ayesha Curry attempted to spice up her curry recipe for her family, she accidentally added an entire bottle of chili powder instead of a teaspoon. The resulting dish had her husband, Steph Curry, reaching for the milk jug.

  10. The Cake Collapse Catastrophe: When Buddy Valastro, the Cake Boss himself, attempted to transport a multi-tiered cake for a celebrity wedding, disaster struck. The cake collapsed en route, leaving the bride and groom with a sweet memory they'd rather forget.

Saturday, April 27, 2024

Mayans chose not to invent the wheel due to the long term effects they were able to foreshadow.


 After we visited the Mayan pyramids in Tulum Mexico my family member posed a good question: if they were the first civilization to invent the number 0, they had a stone wheel like object as a basketball hoop, were very accurate in their mayan calendar, why didn’t they invent the wheel? They were so close.

Well… my first initial instinct was that a civilization this intelligent willingly chose not to create something due to their visions of the long term outcome. Maybe they thought the wheel would cause a lot of long term suffering. I didn’t know exactly why though.

Then, in the midst of pondering this question, I came across a separate piece of information that connected the dots for me.

Before the wheel, a human being could only carry the weight one human could hold. For farming, construction, and transportation.

After the wheel, those that owned the carts, wheelbarrows, and horse carriages were able to carry the weight that it would take 10 humans could hold. (For example). *I have been informed that horses only came to the Americas with the Europeans, but even just the wheelbarrow gave the ability for a person to carry more weight than they originally could hold, hence giving an advantage to those that owned these wheelbarrows. 

The wheel lead to mass inequalities between those that owned the means of production and those that didn’t.

In the Mayan civilization the kings home was not much bigger than the citizen’s.

Maybe the Mayans saw the inequality this invention would inevitably lead to and the insane competitive advantage it would give to those that had the resources to afford these new inventions.

For the farmer that didn’t have a horse plow or a wheelbarrow, he only had two options:

Either compete on his own and get crushed by farmers who own the machines

Or

Borrow equipment, or work for a farmer that owns these means of production

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Top 10 OJ Simpson goof-ups By: Holden Kodish

1. When he took his first steps.
 Baby OJ actually didn’t start by taking steps. Instead, he drove a stroller on a low-speed police chase.


2. The Time OJ Simpson rapped the opening to his TV show.
Yeah, did you know OJ Simpson had a prank show? And it was called Juiced? That just sounds gross.


3. The time he tried to wear fifty gloves on one hand.
The thing is, he sized them out too. Like, his hand was huge by the end of it.


4. The time he murdered his ex-wife.
Nicole Brown Simpson was murdered on June 12th, 1994, in what may have been the worst career choice made by a football player until Brady signed with the Bucks.


5. When he missed Mother's Day.
After his wife died in that “unexpected accident”, he actually missed the first Mother’s Day afterward. He should have gone all Mr. Mom on it. Picture, OJ Simpson, in an apron.



6. When he also murdered his ex-wife's friend.
During the events of 6/12/94, he also murdered Ron Goldman, a waiter who was “Holding Ms. Simpsons glasses” which… has to be a euphemism, right?


7. When he got Norm Macdonald fired from SNL.
Man, learn how to take a joke OJ. Instead, one of the funniest men in the world got kicked off the perfect show for him. You’ll never be forgiven for this one OJ


8. When he literally wrote a book called “If I did it”
I mean, I don’t know what’s funnier. The Goldman family re-naming it to (make the "if" really small) if I did it, or them including a foreward called “Yes, he did it.”


9. When he robbed Bruce Fromong 13 years later
Why would you risk it again? Not even the juice could outrun Nevada state law. Luckily there was no murder (or so he would have you believe)


10. When he joined Twitter
“Hello Twitter World” still cracks me up. And while we may have lost… well, not a hero, but we still have the parody accounts!

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Top 10 Excuses to Use When Abandoning Your Family By: Holden Kodish

















#10:
 “I gotta get a pack of milk and a carton of cigarettes” An oldie but a goodie.
#9: “Honey, I love you, but you knew when you chose to marry me that I would
put music over our love.” You and the three guys you met in high school could become the next
Beatles, if only that bitch wife of yours would stop wanting to spend time with you.
#8: “I have amnesia, and don’t remember who you are.” Extra points if your marriage is the only thing you don’t remember.
#7: “My dad abandoned us, and his dad abandoned him. It’s a family tradition.”
They have to respect other people's customs, even if they disagree with them.
#6: “I’ve been abducted by aliens/vampires/the CIA.” Even if you do return, your
life will have been dramatically altered. Will they even recognize the new you when you return?
#5: “I just find your sister hotter.” Sometimes, you back the wrong horse, and the
only thing you can do is admit your mistakes and correct course.
#4: “The mothership is calling me home. My planet needs me.” I mean, you
already gave her a child. What, does she expect you to stay around?
#3: “Damn, our kids are ugly as shit.” Why put all your work into someone who
won’t extend the family bloodline?
#2: “My first family is complaining I don’t spend enough time with them.” They did
come first. It’s only fair that you prioritize them first.
#1:  “It’s just a prank bro.” Damn, she got got. Maybe next time, don’t fall in love,
stupid.

Monday, April 8, 2024

Best Hidden Gem Small Businesses in Newton MA

These are the best hidden gem small businesses according to various people in the area. We will be doing a written and video review for each of these. I went to the Knotty Pine today, Solar Eclipse day but it was closed. It's a diner in West Newton, which I've driven by a million times but never even noticed. Amazing how many recommendations we got and how little of them I knew. Truly a list of HIDDEN gems. 

If you want to contribute to the conversation and cast your submission for a review, comment below. 

These are not in order of best to worst, they are all in different categories of small business.

  1. The Paper Mouse in West Newton - Gift Shop
  2. Depasquale's Deli on Adams - In Newton *NOT depasquales at nightcap's corner
  3. Markettiamo for Italian imported goods and sandwiches (and salciccia and soppressata)
  4. Shogun in West Newton - Has been open for over 40 years and very authentic 
  5. Otake Sushi in Newton Highlands
  6. Echo Bridge Restaurant '
  7. Little L Bakery on California
  8. D&A's Pizza in Nonantum
  9. Knotty Pine Diner in Auburndale - Cash only, but they have an ATM
  10. Grandma's Kitchen. Really good Taiwanese food 
  11. Moldova
  12. Flourhouse Bakery in Nonantum
  13. Chung-Shin Yuan on California St
  14. Indulge Candy Store in Newton Highlands

Friday, April 5, 2024

Cryplandia Short Story #1 - @pilgrimapes

Michael felt dizzy. You’d think being on a boat so long, he’d get used to it. But he always woke up with his inner ear swirling like a hurricane. He got up and took stock of his room. “Mom, check! Michelle, check! Dad…” He saw the monkey lying on the bed next to his mother. Despite the time they spent together, Michael sometimes couldn’t seperate his dad from the other monkeys. Everyone just looked so similar. He spotted a red pair of sunglasses over the monkey’s mouth. He moved them over his father’s eyes. That was him alright. “Dad, check!” Everyone was here. Mom, Dad, Son, Sister. Michael grabbed a cigarette and headed towards the Casino.

This was Michaels's usual routine. Wake up, count his family, go to the casino, stumble home drunk. There wasn’t really a whole lot to do besides that, come to think of it. Sometimes his mom and Michelle would go to the spa, or he’d join his dad in the business center. But after years of travel, even the most interesting parts of a place become mundane and boring. Michael expected another session of blowing his daily chips, and hitting on some (not interested) waitresses. But when he got out of his room, something was different. All of the other monkeys were gathered around the gangway opening. Michael woke up his parents. “Mike, I swear, if you’re waking us up to ask for more money, I will kick you straight into the water,” His father said. “No, Dad, something happening. Something big.” He hurried his family out of their cabin, as they headed towards the rest of the families.

The noise of the crowd began to outpace his own internal monologue. Suddenly, A big orangutan wearing a captain’s hat walked in front of everyone. Captain Orangebeard. “Muddahs, Faddahs, Sons, and Sistahs!” He shouted. The troop went quite. “The time has comed. Our years long voy-ige has reached it’s destinationion.” Orangebeards weird speech choices aside, all of the monkeys knew what he meant. “Welcomes, to Cryptlandia. Junglies, Deserts, Forests, Volcanies, all and more can be found here. But that’s not what brought youse here.” Orangebeard held up a little coin. “These are CryptCoins. There are four of them on the island. If you can get all four, and return to the boat, you will recieve your hearts desire, whatever it may be.” 

Michael perked up. “Did he just say free Liquor?” He asked his sister “He said Hearts Desire, Michael.” Michael paused “Is there a difference?” She rolled her eyes.

“Now, youse can do whatever youses need to do to get the coins, excepted for one thing.” Orangebeards face turned somber. “No Killing. None.” And just as fast as it had left, Orangebeards goofy expression returned. “Are youses readied?” The monkeys nodded. “Are youses settied?” Once again, they nodded. “Then goeses!” And in a flash, the monkey’s scattered.

Wednesday, April 3, 2024

Why most video game adaptations don’t work (And why some do) By: Holden Kodish (BIG H)


Hey y’all. Bit more casual Holden, coming at you with my opinions. But, as we all know, opinions are like assholes, we all have one, and most of them stink. So if you disagree with mine, comment, and tell me why!

Anyway, preamble aside, I want to talk about video games. More specifically, video game adaptions. In the next few months, two of my favorite game series are getting adaptions, those being Borderlands, and Fallout. Now, I haven’t seen these yet, just the trailers, but they’ve given me something to think about. Why did I get excited about the Fallout show, but am still nervous about Borderlands? I think it’s do to one thing, reliance on source material.

Now, Borderlands has always been one of my favorite series. As soon as I could play rated M games (at 18, thanks Dad) it was the first one I checked out. Well, Borderlands 2 was the first one, but you get what I mean. And I recently replayed it and still had just as much fun the 10th time as I did the first time. Whether that’s due to the writing, the gameplay, or the ability to shoot a bunch of mentally ill people, I’m not sure, but it all just works. Meanwhile, I’ve been playing Fallout since 4 was released. I remember trying to figure out with a friend where our school would be on the map. Turns out, it was over a vault. One where the vault dwellers were incredibly overworked (a bit of irony? Nah, probably just coincidence). But both franchises have a deep place in my heart.

Alright, enough of me talking about how I’ve wasted my life, and instead, let me talk about how I plan to waste my money! So, the Borderlands movie. Oh, the Borderlands movie. The movie appears to be doing some weird adaptation of both the first and second games (mostly the first, but we’ll touch on that later). Meanwhile, Fallout is being set in Hollywood, apparently making a new story set in the Fallout universe (They even referred to it as a non-playable Fallout 5). Now, these haven’t come out yet, but I feel confident in saying that of the two, Fallout will be the better one. In fact, I have heavy doubts about the quality of Borderlands.

Now, why do I not think Borderlands will be good? Thanks for asking! Well, as I mentioned before, they’re using a lot of the first game to write the plot. If you’ve played Borderlands 1, you know that, of all the games, it has the weakest plot. It’s not bad, just a bit boring. And they’ve decided to throw two characters from the second game, Tiny Tina and Krieg the Psycho, into this movie as characters. In return, we lose out on the Bird-Man Mordecai, and the third-best Character in the franchise (1 is Zane, 2 is Mr. Torgue, fight me nerds) Brick. Now already, I’m a bit hurt. You got rid of my boy for Krieg. I say that, and then remember I like Krieg. But, here’s the thing. I don’t think anyone is cast right. As in, they are all way older than I picture they should be in their first movie. These are vault hunters, people going up against dangerous outlaws, wildlife, and the occasional interdimensional monster (as one does). They should be young, both explaining their athletic prowess and giving you more room to grow this as a franchise. But I don’t think any of that will be an issue for fans. No, I think the problem will be that it sticks too close to the original story. Video games are, primarily, a user-driven experience. It allows us to play our own way, and make decisions however we want. Imagine if someone took that game you were playing, and said “Nope, you have to play it this way, and this way only”. That’s what a bad adaptation looks like.

Now, on the other side, you don’t want it to be completely baseless in its story. The Super Mario Movie (The one from the 80s) has a lot of faults, but one of them was that the writers and directors had never actually played Mario, and just did what they thought was cool. These franchises are important to people and clearly are liked for certain reasons.

This brings me to Fallout. Fallout is exactly what I hoped for when I saw the trailer. 50’s Americana mixed with post-apocalypse. But, they didn’t say “Hey remember Fallout 4, what if it was a movie?” No, instead, it seems that they’re creating their own little story in the Fallout universe, something that fleshes out and expands the concepts of said world. This means that we, as an audience, have no expectations of events, but we do have expectations of tone. The writers can make whatever they want to happen (Within Reason! No magic please. Save that for Elder Scrolls: The TikTok show) and as long as it fits that vibe, most fans will think it’s fine. Want proof? Look at Sonic 2. Both Tails and Knuckles were introduced, but neither required you to be a fan of the Sonic games to get. And, they took the speed and charm of Sonic and worked it into a movie that’s a unique story, while fitting the tone of the games.

While it’s easy to adapt a game beat for beat, it’s not what fans want. We want to see this world through a new lens, one we couldn’t get from the game while feeling like a game. Hopefully, I’m wrong about Borderlands, and it turns out to be great. I’m even more hopeful that Fallout is great too. But, what’s really important, what this whole thing has been building to is this: If they don’t shoot that 8-year-old girl in Sonic 3, I will be asking for a refund. Maria better gets executed. Shoot that bitch

So what do you think? Does my opinion stink? Will Borderlands and Fallout be good? Will they smoke that Maria pack? Leave your thoughts in the comments below. And until next time, “I don’t have a catchphrase yet”!

Top 5 things you agreed to when signing up for Disney+ By: Holden Kodish

After Disney’s announcement that, due to the terms and conditions of Disney+, all issues with Disney must be settled via arbitration, includ...