Chapter 1 - By: Holden Kodish

If you’ve never opened the door in your underwear to a dead magician at your doorstep, it’s a hard feeling to describe. It’s like seeing a broken vase on the floor, and knowing you’re going to be blamed for it, while at the same time having your man boobs out. And, instead of having to work a few extra hours to pay for a new vase (one that really doesn’t work with the fang shui of the room), you spend 25 to life in prison, where the fang shui is much, MUCH, worse.

So, I did the only reasonable action. I dragged the street magician’s lifeless body into my front room.

“For such a lanky bastard.” I said as I heaved his body “He sure is heavy. Do people get heavier when they die? I think I heard that somewhere.” I paused, wondering who I was talking to, and then finished dragging him through my doorway. It was only after I dragged the body in that I realized that covering a dead body last seen on your front porch with your fingerprints is NOT a good idea. Then, I remembered that episode of Breaking Bad. You know, like the second or third episode, when they have to get rid of that body? They cut the guy into little pieces and put those in barrels of hydrochloric acid or something. To be honest, I never watched Breaking Bad. I just read the Wikipedia page.

It was only when I returned from the tool shed that I realized that hydrochloric acid is not a common household material. Nor are steel drums. So right now, I have a dead corpse in my front room, covered in my fingerprints, as I stand over him carrying my saw. “Yeah, I’m screwed,” I thought. As I wondered how much a good lawyer would cost in Topeka, I noticed something. The magician was wearing a top hat. 

It was black, yet stainless as if it was fresh out of the box. A golden rim went around the hat, with ridges and divides like a vinyl record. And in the corner of the hat (do hats have corners?) was a little pink and yellow flower. 

Seeing that hat awakened something in me. Like most boys, I had a phase where I wanted to be a street magician. I had the little magic wand, and the ruffled shirt. Hell, I even had a signature trick. I called it “The Reverse Digestive System”. I’d stick the wand in one hole, and it’d come out the other. I learned a very important lesson from that. Girls don’t like guys who shove sticks up their asses. So I gave it up. Became you’re average white guy. Went into accounting. Lost some weight. Grew a goatee. But deep in my core, I still dreamed about becoming a magician. So, as a joke, I put on the hat. That’s when my head began to hurt. It felt like someone was doing acupuncture on my brain, thousands of needles poking in. And just as quickly as it started, it stopped.

“Weird,” I thought to myself

“Cutie, if you think that’s weird, well… it’s about to get real fucking bizarre.” Myself responded.

“TOP TEN FELONIES COMMITTED BY PRESIDENTS” written by: Holden Kodish

Donald Trump has recently been found
guilty of 34 counts of falsifying business records.

However, as Rep. Andy Biggs recently stated: “The average American commits three felonies a

day”. And nowhere is this more true than with our presidents. Here’s a list of the Top 10

Felonies committed by Presidents.

10. George Washington: Arborcide

Apparently, after the cutting of his father's cherry tree, he turned to a nearby sapling and said “If

you tell anyone what you saw here today, you’ll be next” and did the finger-to-the-throat move.

9. Abraham Lincoln: Hate Crimes

While he is well-known for his work in emancipating the slaves, there was one minority that

Abraham Lincoln hated above all others: vampires. He’s on record as saying “If I see another of

those fucking batwing ass freaks flying around the capital, I will go to Transylvania and kick

Dracula’s ass myself”

8. John Berrington: Election Fraud

No way in hell that John won that election fair and square. You can’t promise students “no

homework”. We don’t control that. The government does, stupid. And yet, he gets to be class

president. Definitely rigged.

7. Rutherford B Hayes: Drug Smuggling

Before becoming the 19th president, Mr. Hayes used to run guns to El Salvador under the name

“El Negro Toro”. To this day, it’s rumored that he is actually the true leader of the Mexican

Cartel.

6. Richard Nixon: Watergate

This one’s not even funny. Like, he actually did do Watergate. Like, the whole robbery? He did it

himself. He was a hands-on boss.

5. The President from Monsters Vs Aliens: War Crimes

Looking into those soulless eyes, you can tell that the president committed numerous war

crimes. Many villages in Vietnam still live in fear of “Axel F”

4. John Tyler: Manslaughter

To be honest, I actually know nothing about John Tyler. I just thought this premise would be

funny, “Oh, what about the no-name presidents, what if they committed crimes”. Now, I have

three more presidents to go, and I’ve resorted to meta-commentary for my jokes. A disgrace.

3. Ummmmm... oh, Trump! The 34 counts of fraud

Your quick wit saves you again Holden. But for how long?

2. Obama: Plagiarism

His name actually came from the song Mo Bamba. He had to change it due to a cease and

desist from Sheck Wes.

1. George W. Bush: 9/11

Honestly tell me that you did not expect this to be number one. Try lying to my face.

Eat at Frenchy’s (a very late Loki parody) By: Holden Kodish

“Hey, when did they open a new restaurant?”

I took out my headphones and turned to Michelle. “Sorry, what?”

“I asked when they opened up that new restaurant.” Michelle pointed at a building across the street. What was once a home for junkies and homeless people had, overnight, become an upscale restaurant.

“Frenchy’s” I read the restaurant's name out loud. “You think it’s a French toast place?”

“Either that or snails.” Michelle laughed at her joke. “You want to try it out?”

“Nah, I’m good. Not really hungry.” We continued walking. Michelle was telling me about her latest boy troubles. 

“You’d think it’d be easy to find a man who fits the 6-6-6 rule.” I started to remember why I put the headphones in the first place. But I sighed.

“What’s this 6-6-6 thing?” I asked her

“You know, 6 ft tall, 6 figure salary, and a 6 inch…”

Before she could finish her sentence, a door opened in front of us. Out of it poured a bunch of people. They looked like they were wearing SWAT gear, and held what seemed to be glowing batons. 

“You’re going to have to come with us.” They said as they grabbed the two of us. 

“My uncle’s a lawyer” Michelle lied “I know my rights!”

“Ms. Debois, we know that’s a lie. Your uncle runs a pawn shop in Jersey.”

As they threw us into the door, I squeaked out a question “What did we do wrong.”

The door began to close, as one of the guards implanted his baton into the ground. All he was able to say was “Next time, get something to eat.”

————————————

I shook my head

“Sorry, Michelle, what was that?”

“God, you have the attention span of a dog. I asked if you wanted to try it out.”

“Um, sure.” I shrugged. “I could eat.”

This story has been sponsored by Frenchy’s: Eat like your life depends on it.