Top 5 things you agreed to when signing up for Disney+ By: Holden Kodish

After Disney’s announcement that, due to the terms and conditions of Disney+, all issues with Disney must be settled via arbitration, including death by allergy, we had our lawyer, Rodger “The Hammer” Hammerstein look over the Disney+ terms and conditions to see what else we missed.

Here are 5 other things you agreed to when signing up for Disney+

1. You agree that “Warner Brothers is for poopyheads, and Spongebob is for little babies”

This is actually seen in most terms and conditions, from Spotify to Dick’s Sporting Goods, which has it printed 3 times in their terms and conditions, and once in their mission statement.

2. You agree that “This statement is False”

This has been put in place to stop AI from reading the terms and conditions for Disney+. On a side note, does anyone have a computer for us to borrow? The Hammer’s has recently blown up (not due to the message, he just wanted to see how many firecrackers he could fit inside. It was 6.)

3. You agree that “Disney owns the rights to any ideas you come up with”

Unfortunately, this means that my idea of “World’s strongest Baby” is on hold until 2143 AD. Stay tuned!

4. You agree to “See every Disney movie and show, under threat of violence.”

Goofy has been seen breaking into multiple homes, brandishing a baseball bat, and stating “Why the f-yuck are you not watching The Acolyte?!?”

5. You agree to “Not make fun of the Disney Corporation or its subsidiaries in any way.”

Please send help, Elsa and Black Widow are beating the shit out of me, and it’s starting to not be hot anymore. 

Remember that reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, give me your money, BYE!!!!!

Written by Holden Kodish

Top 10 Decades I Should Have Lived In - By Holden Kodish

Top 10 Decades I Should Have Lived In

1. The 70s

   Disco, roller-skating, and Nixon. What’s not to love about one of America’s high points? Wait, what’s happening in Vietnam?

2. The 40s

   I’m just saying, if I was alive then, and it was me, Hitler wouldn’t have been a problem. That scene in Inglorious Basterds would have been a wonderful movie experience compared to what I’d do to him.

3. The 1880s

   I wanna be a cowboy, baaaaby. Bang bang!

4. The 1090s

   I could have participated in the one crusade that actually, you know, worked, and I’d be pardoned from all sins, past, present, and future. Brothels, here I come!

5. The 2150s

   Look, someone is going to have to tell President Beegleborp that his plan to keep illegal aliens out isn’t going to work. You can’t build a wall around the solar system! We don’t have the resources, Beegleborp!

6. Year 0

   I’d probably just tell Jesus about, like, gay people and the iPhone. See what he does with that.

7. The 20s BC

   I think it’s only fair that if I include WWII, then I should also include the Roman Empire. As we all know, those are the only two periods in history.

8. 2001

   Yes, I was technically a baby at the time. But, as an adult, I can warn George Bush about the most important event of the 21st century: the closing of Club Penguin in 2017. He could probably stop it.

9. 6000 BC

   If I brought a flip lighter and a bag of apple seeds, I would be a god. Worship me, oh lowly beings, for I bring fire and food wherever I go.

10. The Dawn of Time

    I’d go back and… I don’t know, make all humans magenta? Stop them from canceling Dan Vs.? Make the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles real? I don’t know, I’ll figure it out when it happens.

A Mock Interview with the Trump Assassin / Shooter By: Holden Kodish

A Mock Interview with the Trump Assassin / Shooter By: Holden Kodish

*100% Comedy/Satire 

Q: Hi, thanks so much for agreeing to this interview.

A: No problem. It’s part of my community service.

Q: Can you tell us your name?

A: I would, but then I’d have to kill you.

Q: What made you want to assassinate President Trump?

A: Well, I saw an interview saying Jodie Foster hated Gen Z, so I wanted to impress her.

Q: How did you practice for this assassination?

A: I played a mix of Counter-Strike, Call of Duty, and Disney Dreamlight Valley.

Q: What was your reaction when you missed the shot?

A: Disappointed. I was actually aiming for his toupee.

Q: What is your favorite movie?

Q: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

I: Many people think you’re an agent for either the Trump or Biden campaign. Is that true?

Q: Nope! I’m actually part of the Robert F. Kennedy campaign. #Brainworms2024

I: Do you have any regrets about your actions?

Q: Yeah, I just wish Biden was there, to get a 2 for 1 combo.

I: What would you change if you could do it again?

Q: I’d probably wait for him to do an attack, and then aim for his weak point.

I: Anything you’d like to say to those who would consider a similar course of action?

Q: Shoot for the stars! Even if you miss, you’ll probably hit a fireman or something.

I: Thank you for your time.

Q: You’re welcome. Now if you excuse me, I have a business to promote.

I: Oh, what business?

Q: Claire’s ear piercings.

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