TOP 5 JOBS WE NEED TO BRING BACK ASAP - By: Holden Kodish

After years of automation improvements as well as an increased focus on the online market, jobs are getting harder and harder to come across. Plus, with the economy on the decline, the available jobs are being fought over by every Tom, Dick and Holden (please, give me money). So, I’ve done some digging, and have found 5 jobs that don’t exist anymore that I want to talk about.

5. Donkey Puncher

I put this as number 5 because while the name sounds cool, it’s just an engineer for a steam engine. Could you imagine a job where you just punch donkeys all day? Eddie Murphy would need to watch his back.

4. Glimmer Man.
No, this is apparently not a gay slur. It was instead a job in Ireland to monitor the usage of gas
during wartime. The job sounds interesting, but can you imagine the absolute swagger someone
going by “The Glimmer Man” would have. It’s absurd.

3. Hippeis
It may seem like I misspelled Hippies, but you’d be wrong. Mainly because, as any boomer will
tell you, being a Hippy does not make you much money. A Hippeis was the Ancient Greek
equivalent of a knight, an upper-class citizen who was trained to fight on horseback. Either way,
both need to know where a good supply of grass is.

2. Sandal-Bearer or Cup-Bearer
This person's job was to bear the Sandals or Cup or whatever of the nobility. While they weren’t
paid extremely well (like an intern), there was a chance at upward mobility and influence if you
were to impress the person you worked under (like an intern). And for you creeps out there, the
Sandal-Bearer got to wash the pharaoh's feet. Foot Fetishest, think about what you’ve lost!

1. Toad Doctor
This one seems like a scam. Basically, in England, there
would sometimes be a disease called
Scrofula (I highly suggest you don’t look it up). They believed that putting a toad in a bag
and hanging it on the person until they got better and/or died. Probably the second option.
These are just some of the interesting obsolete jobs I found. Would you do any of these jobs?
Are there any cooler jobs I should have included? What do you think happened to D.B. Cooper
after he jumped? I like to think he’s still alive, living in a giant fort made of dollar
bills. Leave your thoughts in the comments below. I won’t read them. I’m too busy judging
people for their sins.